Thursday, May 16, 2013

Overcoming My Lot In Life

Today's post challenge is to discuss something difficult about your lot in life and how you are working to overcome it.  Which I feel like y'all might be exhausted from reading.  I write about this stuff a lot.  But I'm also out of town and like the cheat list of topics this week.

So I am going to go back to bullet point it...


  • I have a mother who never wanted to be a mother.
  • I was always aware of that fact.
  • She didn’t even want to be a part of a family.  Hers, ours, anyone’s.
  • She married Satan. 
  • He was extremely abusive to her and the children.
  • She repeatedly told me that despite the abuse, she would never choose me over him.
  • And she didn’t.  So she’s not a liar.
  • My goal in life is to keep the peace.  There is a direct connection between this behavior and how we had to live in Satan’s house.
  • I struggle to feel worthy. 
  • It’s only been within the last few years that I truly realized that my best friends, some since birth, really do just love me for me and there is no need to attempt to impress.
  • Which is great because trying to impress someone is exhausting.
  • For years I worked on forgiving my mother.  And I believe I have. 
  • But I still have sadness.  I would give anything to know a mother’s love for just one hour. 
  • But that sadness isn’t omnipresent.  It doesn’t consume my life. 
  • Currently I am working on letting go.  Letting go of that dream to know her love.
  • Letting go in general does not come naturally to me.

And there you go.  My lot in life and what I am doing to overcome it.  Nothing you haven't heard before.  But it's all pretty important to me and something I struggle with/work on (depending on the day) rather often.

8 comments:

3 Peanuts said...

Can I tell you how much I want to reach through this computer and hug you right now?! When we don't have the unconditional love of the ONE person (aside from GOd) who is supposed to love us no matter what, that is the most deep and painful hurt.

She is flawed though. YOU are lovable and worthy. I wish you lived here....I'd "adopt" you and love on you unconditionally, KK. I truly would. ALthough I know that would not replace what was missing from your Mom.

Hugs,
KIm

Angie H. said...

It appears that you are on the right train with your thoughts. Sometimes the love of a mother does not come from the birth mother but from women in our lives that show us the unconditional love that a mother should.
I was blessed with a loving mother but see so many of my children's friends that do not have this and were raised in a simular situation as to what you described. I try to be the substitute mother to show them that there is unconditional love out there... Know that you are loved and wonderful despite any struggles that you have...
Wishing you a blessed and loved day :)

Angie H. said...

It appears that you are on the right train with your thoughts. Sometimes the love of a mother does not come from the birth mother but from women in our lives that show us the unconditional love that a mother should.
I was blessed with a loving mother but see so many of my children's friends that do not have this and were raised in a simular situation as to what you described. I try to be the substitute mother to show them that there is unconditional love out there... Know that you are loved and wonderful despite any struggles that you have...
Wishing you a blessed and loved day :)

Angie H. said...

It appears that you are on the right train with your thoughts. Sometimes the love of a mother does not come from the birth mother but from women in our lives that show us the unconditional love that a mother should.
I was blessed with a loving mother but see so many of my children's friends that do not have this and were raised in a simular situation as to what you described. I try to be the substitute mother to show them that there is unconditional love out there... Know that you are loved and wonderful despite any struggles that you have...
Wishing you a blessed and loved day :)

Katiellirb said...

Everytime you discuss this subject, my heart breaks into a million pieces. You are such a wonderful, sweet, beautiful, and downright amazing woman. I have no idea how this beautiful person survived such a terribly childhood. In the end, it's a testament to YOU! I know you get upset that you're not where you "think" you should be in life, but when you look back, you are are a true inspiration! :)

Flo said...

(((HUGS))) I used to work with a girl who had a situation very similar to yours. It made me so angry sometimes. I know that there were generations of women who had children that probably shouldn't have, but they did it because it was "expected" of them. Unfortunately you can't change the past--but you can make the future better, not just for you, but for others who can benefit from your experiences, bad or good. Hang in there!

Her Preppiness said...

I am sad for you. Just remember that you can break the cycle. You are not your mother and the past does not define the future

Kate said...

I can really only say what the above commenters have already said. You are strong and so brave for discussing all of this, putting it out there. I especially like what Her Preppiness said about the past not defining the future.

My paternal grandmother abandoned her family when my dad was 6. It very much shaped who he is. But when my parents got divorced he really made an effort to make sure we knew he wasn't divorcing the family or the kids. He didn't want to repeat history

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