Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Another Year Older: My Dark Day

I do not have a good relationship with this day.  My birthday.  For most of my adult years, it's been my dark day.

But no matter how much I try to ignore it or not think about it or wish it away, the day always comes and eventually goes.  And I am filled with big buckets of mixed emotions.

Last year was my worst birthday ever.  So in some ways, today is automatically better by default.  But my Sadie isn't here this year, for the very first time.  And in some other ways, her absence makes it harder.  Because regardless of what else was happening in my life, I always had my little furbaby to remind me of all the good in the world.  Just watching her sleep was enough to make everything in my life better.

I have a plan though.

I have fun things mixed into my day and evening, including cake before dinner.  I might even break my FB ban to read some birthday well wishes.  

Today is not the end of the world.  It's my personal dark day that comes with new challenges.  But it's going to be okay.  

Please someone tell me 39 isn't as wretched as it feels while writing it!  It's like a secret cool age, right?  Good life things happen and wisdom comes and all the laughter is had...right?!  

Anyway, there you go.  It's my day.  

Sunday, February 19, 2017

So We Keep Loving

Without a shadow of a doubt, I am a much better human because of Sadie's love.  I miss her every single day.  But not every day is hard anymore.  I guess I'm getting used to grief's permanence.

As always, I love and miss my best girl!  I continue to love in her honor!


Thursday, February 16, 2017

Things Are Getting Scary: Late Night Anxiety Attack

I had an anxiety attack very late last night.  While in the midst of what I call my spiral {because that's what it feels like to me} at 2 AM, I was bopping from fear to fear, some rational, some not.  I think, though, that the real crux of my problem is our current President.

I know I said I wanted to refrain from being political, but I also said I wanted to grow this blog up.  And if that means talking about dating or sex or grief or fears or mental health or politics or anything else gritty and unglamorous, well then that's what I am going to talk about.  Being up at 1, 2, and 3 in the morning crying so hard that I can't catch my breath is not something I am choosing to gloss over anymore.

Now listen, everything concerns me.  But right now, my big panic is stemming from two things: first the constant lies that are so blatant and proven almost as soon as the words come out of his mouth, and second {and this is the biggest one for me}, the severe censoring of the media coverage.  Refusing to answer any questions from any media source that isn't pro White Nationalist and pro pandering is insane.  

We're not even over the first month hump, y'all.  If this is how things are rolling out in the first 26 days, what the heck is going to happen in the next 26 months?  Will it even be legal for me to say this stuff on a blog?  {That's not me being this point it's a pretty valid question.}

Two months ago my biggest personal fear was losing my health insurance.  As someone who is self-employed, the Affordable Care Act has been life-saving.  I went so many years without any insurance at all because it was just too expensive to justify.  Let me be clear that when one does not posses insurance, one does not go to the doctor for years on end either.  And the shame that still comes from admitting that is enormous.  

I'm sure I'll lose what I have now and I am sure I will not be able to afford to replace it.  

But that's just so low on my list of concerns.  I feel silly even noting it.  That's the American reality and we will all just deal with what comes on that front.

Realizing that this man in charge {and all who are in that creepy white man inner circle} is likely doing so many illegal deals and not at all being held accountable, is making me sick.  Physically sick.  

It is so far past party politics at this point.  Why are there still only two Republicans though who are brave enough to speak out?  Is perceived power that important to you that you would put your entire country and possibly the world at risk just to get some sort of fancy dinner invite?  

Don't answer that. 

How low and for how long will we have to sink before people grow a vagina {those birth babies...those are strong...those are what we need right now!} and DO THE RIGHT THING?  How much damage are people willing to overlook for just the possibility of personal gain?  

What upsets me today when I think about last night is that I have been on a pretty good streak lately.  And yesterday was a pretty good day where I ticked things off my list and had fun conversations with people and smiled and ate well and did yoga.  It wasn't one of those days that we all have that just sort of start off one the wrong foot and everything goes awry.  It was by most accounts, a normal and good day.  

But I still found myself in a full on anxiety attack that took hours to come down from enough to fall asleep.

If that's possible on a good day, what might happen on one of those bad days that we all have because we're humans and bad days just happen in life?  What happens then?  

This post is losing all semblance of structure but I think I am just going to leave it as is and hit publish.  The rules for everything have changed.  This is the reality of what is happening in my head and heart right now.  I'm scared.  It consumes me.  Even on good days.  And just like you, I'm trying my best to figure it all out.

If you made it this far, I'd love to know if you can in any way relate?  Have you ever dealt with anxiety?  Or do you share my fears over the current political happenings?  And if you don't share my anxieties or fears, what gives you the most hope right now?  I'd love to know!

Big hugs, sweet friends! 

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Shopping For Seeds And Gifts At The Local Hardware Store

I ran into the hardware store again.  This time to look at seeds.  That I do not need.  Like 0% need.  But I went looking for a fix anyway, like the seed junkie I am!

Ace, however, puts their seeds out late.  I forgot that I had this experience last year, too.  I guess they cater more to the direct seed in the ground crowd rather than those of us who start seeds under grow lights.  Which is fine.  Because as I noted, I DO NOT NEED seeds.  Even if I want them.

As always, I took a quick gander at their cute gift items and thought y'all might like a bit of eye candy to start your day too.

These polka dot bowls with the pouring lip {is that what it's called?} are still some of my favorites.

I clearly have a thing for polka dots...

But above all, the winner in my book is this beyond adorable set of measuring spoons!  I can't handle how cute these little flowers in the pot would look on a kitchen counter!

Local hardware stores are the bees knees!  Always my first stop for seeds and gifts and everything in between.  



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