Friday, February 24, 2017

Do You Want To Share Your Balloons With Me? A Birthday To Smile About.

My birthday, my Dark Day, came and went and I'm happy to say it ended on such a great note!

Now let me be honest that I did break down and cry a few times earlier in the day.  It's not my dark day because it's all sunshine and giggles.  And then add in the fact that's this was my first birthday without my Sadie here...well there were tears.  I struggled.  

But a lot of good happened too.  And it's so important for me to focus on that.  So here are a few sweet highlights...

Not only did my dad remember my birthday but he brought me donuts and gave me a card {the same card he gave me last year...which we both thought was hilarious} and a really thoughtful gift.  He gave me a DNA ancestry test because I've wanted to take one for years but never got around to ordering it. I was so shocked as birthdays have just never been his thing.  




I can't wait to get the results back in 4-6 weeks!  One of my parents was adopted so half of my genetics are a total mystery.  While I am pulling for something fun and exotic, I'm fare skinned and blonde, so chances are good the thing will only tell me I am Northern European.  Stay tuned to see how this pans out though!

The middle of the day was the hard part for me.  But I am so lucky to have friends who flooded me with sweet texts all day.  Big shout out to Bestie {long time readers might remember her} and Hamilton {whom I am happy to report sat fourth row at Hamilton a few days ago...the lucky duck that she is!} for literally holding me up with loving and funny texts all day.  Hamilton went above and beyond the call of friend duty and I am over the moon grateful!

I knew I needed to do something fun in the afternoon so I decided to go to the mall {I never ever go to malls} to shop because I have a bunch of random gift cards form Christmas.  I just thought that might be a little distraction from the day as it's so out of the box for me.  I think though that I forgot how to shop in person for things.  My big goal was to get a fun pallet from Sephora.  But I was so insanely overwhelmed that after circling the entire store, I walked out without so much as touching anything.  Too much, too bright, too loud, too many choices.  At clothing stores, I just didn't find anything I liked.  I only even tried on dresses at JCrew, but was disappointed with how they fit my body {big boobs get me every time}.  




I was pretty amused by it all though and it ate up an hour and a half so it worked out in the end.  I guess.  Though I still have a stack of gift cards.  I'll have to use them online though.  It's hard to believe that I once upon a time worked in a mall because it just feels like such a foreign experience to me these days.

The evening was the most fun.  I went to District's house and was met at the door by my four year old Baby Bestie H.  Who immediately asked me if I wanted to share my balloons with him.  As I wasn't even inside yet and had not seen the balloons, I was completely confused.  But there were in fact six pretty balloons, a handmade card from my H, presents, and a cake.  I never in a million years expected such a fuss and was really humbled.  

H gave me all the hugs and then suggested we play the birthday game.  I bet you're wondering what that is.  I was too.  It's tag...but on your birthday.  Clever little lovie!  

{Don't worry...I left the pretty balloons that Mr. District went to a lot of trouble to get for me and I love him to bits for doing...there for Baby Bestie H to see in the morning.  Because I'm a grown up and how the heck could I take away our shared balloons?!}




The cake was THE BEST part of the night.  A Mardi Gras cake, that got a bit tilted in the box because four year olds are helpful, with Happy Birthday KK written on it, and the very best part, specially chosen Spider Man candles.  Apparently H's mother, District, tried to suggest princess candles.  But H knew his Auntie KK would melt inside when she saw those Spidey candles.  They were hilarious and sweet and just totally made that cake prefect.  




And because four year olds are, as noted, helpful, H was kind enough to help me blow out those candles.  Team work makes the dream work, baby!  

After candles and cake, District and I went out to have the most amazing meal at Ama Cocina that I cannot stop talking about.  Signature guacamole, seriously good margaritas, shrimp tacos, and roll your eyes back in your head street corn.  








I had so much anxiety and fear about this birthday.  And parts of the day were really hard.  But I fell asleep feeling loved.  I have good humans in my life to make me laugh and smile and lift me up.  I am lucky.  Very, very lucky!

XOKK

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Another Year Older: My Dark Day

I do not have a good relationship with this day.  My birthday.  For most of my adult years, it's been my dark day.

But no matter how much I try to ignore it or not think about it or wish it away, the day always comes and eventually goes.  And I am filled with big buckets of mixed emotions.




Last year was my worst birthday ever.  So in some ways, today is automatically better by default.  But my Sadie isn't here this year, for the very first time.  And in some other ways, her absence makes it harder.  Because regardless of what else was happening in my life, I always had my little furbaby to remind me of all the good in the world.  Just watching her sleep was enough to make everything in my life better.




I have a plan though.

I have fun things mixed into my day and evening, including cake before dinner.  I might even break my FB ban to read some birthday well wishes.  

Today is not the end of the world.  It's my personal dark day that comes with new challenges.  But it's going to be okay.  

Please someone tell me 39 isn't as wretched as it feels while writing it!  It's like a secret cool age, right?  Good life things happen and wisdom comes and all the laughter is had...right?!  

Anyway, there you go.  It's my day.  


Sunday, February 19, 2017

So We Keep Loving

Without a shadow of a doubt, I am a much better human because of Sadie's love.  I miss her every single day.  But not every day is hard anymore.  I guess I'm getting used to grief's permanence.





As always, I love and miss my best girl!  I continue to love in her honor!

XOKK

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Things Are Getting Scary: Late Night Anxiety Attack

I had an anxiety attack very late last night.  While in the midst of what I call my spiral {because that's what it feels like to me} at 2 AM, I was bopping from fear to fear, some rational, some not.  I think, though, that the real crux of my problem is our current President.

I know I said I wanted to refrain from being political, but I also said I wanted to grow this blog up.  And if that means talking about dating or sex or grief or fears or mental health or politics or anything else gritty and unglamorous, well then that's what I am going to talk about.  Being up at 1, 2, and 3 in the morning crying so hard that I can't catch my breath is not something I am choosing to gloss over anymore.




Now listen, everything concerns me.  But right now, my big panic is stemming from two things: first the constant lies that are so blatant and proven almost as soon as the words come out of his mouth, and second {and this is the biggest one for me}, the severe censoring of the media coverage.  Refusing to answer any questions from any media source that isn't pro White Nationalist and pro pandering is insane.  

We're not even over the first month hump, y'all.  If this is how things are rolling out in the first 26 days, what the heck is going to happen in the next 26 months?  Will it even be legal for me to say this stuff on a blog?  {That's not me being sassy...at this point it's a pretty valid question.}

Two months ago my biggest personal fear was losing my health insurance.  As someone who is self-employed, the Affordable Care Act has been life-saving.  I went so many years without any insurance at all because it was just too expensive to justify.  Let me be clear that when one does not posses insurance, one does not go to the doctor for years on end either.  And the shame that still comes from admitting that is enormous.  

I'm sure I'll lose what I have now and I am sure I will not be able to afford to replace it.  

But that's just so low on my list of concerns.  I feel silly even noting it.  That's the American reality and we will all just deal with what comes on that front.

Realizing that this man in charge {and all who are in that creepy white man inner circle} is likely doing so many illegal deals and not at all being held accountable, is making me sick.  Physically sick.  

It is so far past party politics at this point.  Why are there still only two Republicans though who are brave enough to speak out?  Is perceived power that important to you that you would put your entire country and possibly the world at risk just to get some sort of fancy dinner invite?  

Don't answer that. 

How low and for how long will we have to sink before people grow a vagina {those birth babies...those are strong...those are what we need right now!} and DO THE RIGHT THING?  How much damage are people willing to overlook for just the possibility of personal gain?  

What upsets me today when I think about last night is that I have been on a pretty good streak lately.  And yesterday was a pretty good day where I ticked things off my list and had fun conversations with people and smiled and ate well and did yoga.  It wasn't one of those days that we all have that just sort of start off one the wrong foot and everything goes awry.  It was by most accounts, a normal and good day.  

But I still found myself in a full on anxiety attack that took hours to come down from enough to fall asleep.

If that's possible on a good day, what might happen on one of those bad days that we all have because we're humans and bad days just happen in life?  What happens then?  

This post is losing all semblance of structure but I think I am just going to leave it as is and hit publish.  The rules for everything have changed.  This is the reality of what is happening in my head and heart right now.  I'm scared.  It consumes me.  Even on good days.  And just like you, I'm trying my best to figure it all out.

If you made it this far, I'd love to know if you can in any way relate?  Have you ever dealt with anxiety?  Or do you share my fears over the current political happenings?  And if you don't share my anxieties or fears, what gives you the most hope right now?  I'd love to know!

Big hugs, sweet friends! 
XOKK

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