Friday, May 3, 2013

I've Wasted My Life




I've spent the better part of seven years trying to follow my bliss.  Only to realize that wasn't my bliss.

I have such a pit in my stomach on a daily basis.  From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed.  All day, every day.  Because I have realized it wasn't my bliss for a long time.  Like, several years ago.

But I was so incredibly embarrassed that I let it go on this long.  So I didn't quit this dog and pony show right when I realized it wasn't for me.  And as a result, I feel like I have lost everything.

I've lost direction, that's for darn sure.  I've lost finances.  I've lost out on the chance for a family.  I've lost my figure.  And wardrobe.  Because I refuse to buy more clothes for this blob-o-body I have happening right now.  Plus, I live in Albany, where style is nonexistent.  But I'm deferring blame.  And that's not fair.

Lately, I've even started to question if that was my (at the time) bliss/dream/vision or if it was me avoiding life.  At the moment, I am quite honestly not sure.  Perhaps it was a little of both.

I feel like I have just completely wasted my life.  Those years are gone.  I can never get them back.

I'm humiliated that I wasted so much time on a dream that didn't end up truly being my dream.  Or isn't my forever dream.  Dreams change.  Reality sets in.  Dreams and reality rarely mix well.

I know that comparing myself to anyone else is an evil business to get into.  But it's also impossible to avoid. And there are moments when it just consumes me.

I hate that I let my life get to this point.  I feel like a fraud for letting it go on for so long.  I should have admitted I needed to make a change years ago.  But I was so far into it that at first I wanted to try to salvage the career and path and then towards the end, didn't know how to explain things.  How do I ever explain that I took this leap and now absolutely hate it?  I failed.  And more than that, I failed to admit it for several years!

I feel like the only person my age to not know what the eff she is doing with her life.  And it haunts me.  I'm so embarrassed.


*If I ever feel brave enough to hit publish on this it will be a blogging miracle!*


26 comments:

Maggie said...

It's not a waste,PPC. In that time you've acquired skills and experience that will transfer. To what? I recommend reading Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer. Yes, and Albany can be an issue. I lived there for ten years myself. Good luck and a hug from cyberspace.

pve design said...

No, never feel that you have wasted your life, because every step takes courage and finding our path requires us to "get lost" along the way.
I am going up to Troy Saturday - happy to buy you a cup of tea -
pve

MCW said...

Life is never wasted. Brush yourself off and get back on track. The only thing in the way of that happening is you...

We can't control when we have a family, but everything else is in our control. The feeling of being out of control is the worst, but it can be changed. Choose one thing and make it happen. I started with diet/exercise, then new job, and then the move...it can happen.

Simone Lynch said...

No, you're not the only one your age to feel like this!! I feel like this too!! But listen, here is some advice from Jim Rohn.

1)Write down all your goals, from the smallest to the biggest.
2)Label them each with either a 1, 3,5 and 10, indicating how many years it will take to reach the goal.
3)Pick the top 5
4)Write down what will happen if you dont make these happen.

Maybe you need a change of scenery. Maybe you need a one woman vacation to enjoy yourself and clear your mind. But don't get down, this is just a turning point.

Flo said...

Time to take a step back and figure out a new game plan. I was feeling kind of "bleh" lately and then I saw an interview with Martha Stewart on TV--she didn't get started in her massive career until she was in her late 40's! She's 71 now and still looking for a second "Mr. Right". Hang in there! God has a plan, sometimes it isn't always obvious, but it's there.

Diane said...

I hope you are able to make whatever changes are necessary in order to be happy. Remember, its not the destination, its the journey. Sending good wishes your way.

Quotable Quail said...

This is such a brave and honest post. Currently I am experiencing the same feelings. Soon I will have a degree in a field that might not make me happy. Do not worry there are others that are in the same predicament.
Hopefully you find what makes you happy!

http://quotablequail327.blogspot.com/?m=1

garden state prep said...

I want to drive up north and give you a hug. You my dear are wonderful. Really. But maybe a change of scenery could help? I believe you'll pull through and make some lemonade out of lousy lemons - no matter how farout that sounds.

Katiellirb said...

oh KK - This breaks my heart. You have NOT wasted your life! Everything that happened thus far brought you to this moment, this moment when you have the courage to change. I applaud you! This is the first step to making it happen! And my dear, you will! Because you are simply wonderful.

Kathy said...

Oh girlfriend. I have no idea who you are...I just ran onto your blog via another blog...I've never been here before and I have no idea even what you are alluding to. BUT you need to know that I've been in a dark, miserable pit before and I got out. Actually, God got me out... I am begging you to pick up a bible. Read Proverbs 3:5-6. (This was the verse that got me one foot out of the pit.) Cry out to the only one who can get you out of this mess you feel like you got yourself into. He designed your heart, made you for purpose and loves you more than his own Son.

Kathy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kathy said...

Oh girlfriend. This is my first visit your blog....and I have no idea why you are feeling this way. BUT you need to know that I've been in a similar pit and I got out. Actually God got me out and turned EVERYTHING around. Pick up a bible or google Proverbs 3:5-6. Cry out to the only one that can get you out of this miserable place that you feel like you got yourself into.

He designed your heart, made you for purpose and loves you more than His own Son. Follow Proverbs 3:5-6.

I know for me....it was time that I stopped trying to figure things out on my own. There is a better way and it has made all of the difference in my life.

Peace be with you.

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

Ladies- these are truly the nicest comments ever. I didn't post for the moral booster at all but I truly appreciate your kind words.

Thank you thank you thank you!

xoxo
KK

Regine Karpel said...

God Bless for your courage and bravery! Hugs and prayers!
God led me toPPC!
I thank Him for that!
www.rsrue.blogspot.com
Sending a smile your way!

Casey said...

I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but I feel your pain. Give yourself permission to make a change. Treat your current job as "unemployment benefits" while you work on finding something else.

CT Cupcake said...

so sorry you're feeling this way, know that you are not alone! That doesn't necessaily make it easier. I agree with others and write down some changes you wish to make and decide which one or two you can begin to tackle first! Would you consider moving? I know sometimes I feel like I have to move to truly get a fresh start, but I haven't yet moved, I decided to take the slightly easier step of trying a new career field in my current town.

hugs! thinking of you!

edgewood said...

You love gardens and flowers, go work in a flower shop the calm happy feelings will find their way into your psyche. The colors, textures and fragrances will intoxicate you. This will be a new bliss.

caknitter said...

Been there, doing that. Don't beat yourself up about wasted time. Everyone has dreams, more than one actually. Some people don't have any at all. At least you gave what you thought was your dream a try and now you can move on to the next dream. You're probably doing better than you think. You're not alone though. I'm trying to figure out my dream(s) right now and it's taking me a while. :-/
Tomorrow is a new day. :-)

Deby Coles said...

Hell, you certainly aren't the only one who feels like this. (Secret - most people feel like this a lot of the time.) People talk of heaven and hell at the end of our lives, but I think hell is the feeling of regret we have that we never took full advantage of life, never fulfilled our perceived potential, or regrets about relationships, failures we can't get past and the thought that life is over and we never made the best of it after such a long time given to us.

It's nonsense - outward appearance of others is just that - what they want to show to the world while they are inwardly consumed by the same regrets, self doubt and lack of confidence and direction that we all feel.

And I think blogging world only perpetuates this feeling - with the daily display of people's perfect lives, perfect homes, perfect families and perfect cooking. Ha, my blog even looks a little this way - but you should see the state of my kitchen floor!

It takes courage to let others know that you feel you've made a mistake, but by publicly 'coming out', now you have the strength to turn in another direction, try something new, get a trendy new haircut, buy some new shoes and stride off in another direction with a new outlook.

And if that doesn't turn out quite as you thought, well, tick that off the list and turn to another thing to try.

If you have stuck at something a long time, then pat yourself on the back for your perseverance and decide to put that effort into a new direction. We all support you, and know that you are not alone.
Good luck.

Landlocked Mermaid said...

You admitted it and that is where your strength will begin... Reread what Mcw said ,, she made huge changes this year,,, one step at a time., every day is a chance to reinvent yourself,,,start small we are cheering you on every step xoxo

Marla said...

Not knowing where you "are" in life plagues us all at some point....even those who have gotten married , had kids by that magic point in life...we still look around at time and think "what am I really doing right now'! But feeling comfortable enough to express your feelings is the healthy part.

Mary De Bastos said...

I am pretty sure that you just said everything that is in my heart at this very minute. I've read this post a few times thinking,"is she just like me?!"

I don't have any clue what the eff I'm doing with my life. I'm 33 and I'm just drifting. Something needs to happen. SOMETHING. Or I'm going to fall into a deep hole and never get out. I should have done something years ago. Now, it is too late for most of it. But I need to salvage what I can and do something else...

I hate change, but it needs to happen. I hate feeling stagnant. And I am currently in a murky pond just sitting there.

Ruth said...

You shouldn't feel like your wasted your life away. There are still many many years ahead of you.

3 Peanuts said...

KK,

I am just seeing this now and I want to tell you that you are not alone. SO SO SO many people stay in a career or on a life path for a long time because they don't want to be quitters or they don't know which other way to turn or they have bills to pay or whatever other reason. There is not one "right " path in life. Some of us take curvy, windy paths to get where we are supposed to go. The important thing is to take stock of where you want to go and start moving in THAT direction. Don't look back over your shoulder at which way you should have gone.

Trust me. I make a living helping people get through these exact same scenarios every single day. There will be a time when you look back and realize that it all was exactly how it was supposed to be.

Confess your fears/concerns/hopes to God. He will guide you. I am here for you if you want to talk. We have ALL felt like this at one time or another. Look at me...I am 45 and have had my Ph.D. for 20 years and I only got the guts to open my own office this year!!!! I could look at all the years I wasted or I can be glad I finally did it , right?!

Big hugs sweetie!

KIm

Angie said...

I have to say, you are not alone and should not feel like you have wasted your life. I know it is hard to feel this way but remember whatever you have done in life is for a reason.

With all this said, I can say I identify with you 100%. At the age of 38 after being an athletic trainer, getting into debt, letting myself go (morbidly obese) I am now going back to school for a new career path. I could easily say the past was a waste but then I again I choose to say the past is what has made me the person I am today and I hope it is a stronger person than what I was 10 - 15 years ago.

Chin up girl!

Just came upon the post, following you from the May Blogging Challenge!

Angie

amy said...

On several levels...I hear you. Sending you a HUGE hug. I am a firm believer in the EVERYTHING happens for a reason (trite but true.) As my grandfather always said, "After the rain comes the sunshine." xo

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