Friday, May 3, 2013
I've Wasted My Life
I've spent the better part of seven years trying to follow my bliss. Only to realize that wasn't my bliss.
I have such a pit in my stomach on a daily basis. From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. All day, every day. Because I have realized it wasn't my bliss for a long time. Like, several years ago.
But I was so incredibly embarrassed that I let it go on this long. So I didn't quit this dog and pony show right when I realized it wasn't for me. And as a result, I feel like I have lost everything.
I've lost direction, that's for darn sure. I've lost finances. I've lost out on the chance for a family. I've lost my figure. And wardrobe. Because I refuse to buy more clothes for this blob-o-body I have happening right now. Plus, I live in Albany, where style is nonexistent. But I'm deferring blame. And that's not fair.
Lately, I've even started to question if that was my (at the time) bliss/dream/vision or if it was me avoiding life. At the moment, I am quite honestly not sure. Perhaps it was a little of both.
I feel like I have just completely wasted my life. Those years are gone. I can never get them back.
I'm humiliated that I wasted so much time on a dream that didn't end up truly being my dream. Or isn't my forever dream. Dreams change. Reality sets in. Dreams and reality rarely mix well.
I know that comparing myself to anyone else is an evil business to get into. But it's also impossible to avoid. And there are moments when it just consumes me.
I hate that I let my life get to this point. I feel like a fraud for letting it go on for so long. I should have admitted I needed to make a change years ago. But I was so far into it that at first I wanted to try to salvage the career and path and then towards the end, didn't know how to explain things. How do I ever explain that I took this leap and now absolutely hate it? I failed. And more than that, I failed to admit it for several years!
I feel like the only person my age to not know what the eff she is doing with her life. And it haunts me. I'm so embarrassed.
*If I ever feel brave enough to hit publish on this it will be a blogging miracle!*