Friday, August 27, 2010

Exactly Two And A Half Years



This week was a milestone week for me. Not in a good way though. Or not in my opinion anyway. Tick tock tick tock is all I flippin' hear. Loudly. Constantly.





There is not a day that passes lately when I am unaware of the clock. The clock I didn't even know I had until I was 29 years old. But I went from not knowing it existed to being keenly aware of it every waking moment of my day (and some sleeping moments too).





I want so badly to be a momma. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know it is what I am supposed to be. Or what I most want to be. I sort of think it's all like Jimmy Buffet says, "there's a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning." Or in this case, really really really wanting something and knowing it is my destiny.





I soft of feel like I am being punished for not wanting to be a mother earlier in life. But come on, y'all know what my childhood was like. It's not like I really knew that kind of love. Plus, coming to this conclusion at this point in my life, seemingly out of nowhere, has to be a sign that it really is from my heart of hearts. Not something I would agree to do to fulfil any sort of role. Though I am totally not the role filling kind of girl anyway. And not that everyone who grew up know they wanted to be a parent is filling any sort of role. I'm just saying that for me, it came out of the blue sky. Ask Bestie. I never wanted kids. And now it consumes me.





Nearly all of my friends have kids. And all but one of my 10 closest friends are married. I have no... not even one... unmarried friends up here. They are all married. And while I can live with the never getting married part (don't want to but I've gone this long so what's the rest of my life?), I feel so left out of the becoming a mother part. I don't know how exactly to make it all fall into place. And plus, who doesn't really want to have "it all?!" I was raised to believe I could have it all and dammit...I want it ALL!



This week was my half birthday. Which means nothing except for the fact that it marked the passing of the two and a half year mark. Two and a half years to what, you ask? Two and half years until I am officially and medically old. Two and a half years until I turn 35. Two and half years until doctors everywhere put me in an entirely new box. (It has taken me days to type this out by the way because I have to stop and cry. Truly that upsetting to me!) It's not the growing older that I fear so much. It's growing older and being alone and never reaching my goals. I was always a great student. But I imagine this is what it must have felt like for the kid who got left back a grade in school and then still had to take the special help classes. I somehow went from promising academic scholar to wearing the dunce cap.






For the record, I write this blog for myself. Not to get pity and certainly not to get rude comments. I needed to unload this from my head. It was heavy and now I can just store it here for a bit and focus on happier topics. But if anyone else has walked in my shoes, I could use some advice this week. Or a good story. Turning 30 was very hard for me but turning 32.5 this week was nearly as difficult.


Damn clock. Stupid age. Why are women old at 35 but men are spry into their 60's? Being a girl is hard sometimes!

29 comments:

Lauren (Healthy Delicious) said...

Just want to say that I totally know where you're coming from. I never wanted children when I was younger, but I got hit with the baby bug full force when I turned 25.... and in a cruel twist of fate it turns out that I most likely can't have them.

Katiellirb said...

HUGS! I just found out today my best friend's IVF didn't work. I don't understand how ladies who would be AMAZING moms (such as you and her) have such a difficult time. I just pray God has some kind of plan for you!

dana said...

Exactly two days before meeting my husband I was home visiting my family and had a mini meltdown wondering if I would ever meet "the one" as all of my friends were engaged or getting married. I know how frustrating that aspect is. I truly believe there is a soulmate for everyone. (Aren't I the sappy romantic?) Ha.

xoxo

dana said...

Exactly two days before meeting my husband I was home visiting my family and had a mini meltdown wondering if I would ever meet "the one" as all of my friends were engaged or getting married. I know how frustrating that aspect is. I truly believe there is a soulmate for everyone.

xoxo

dana said...

Exactly two days before meeting my husband I was home visiting my family and had a mini meltdown wondering if I would ever meet "the one" as all of my friends were engaged or getting married. I know how frustrating that aspect is. I truly believe there is a soulmate for everyone.

xoxo

AtlYankeeBelle said...

wow I wish I was there to give you a great big hug and bake you a cake and tell you its ok! Im only 23, but many of my frieds are settling down, or at least moving in with their bfs and Im like - woah, when did all this happen. Im ready to backpack accross europe and they want to show me dresses and rings. I want to get married too and have babies - but there no rush! My parents were 31 when they met and they had me at 34. I have a younger brother and sister, 2 and 4 years younger. It can happen and it will! Try a diffrent way of meeting guys, try match.com or eharmony! please email me if you ever need to talk!

Miss M! said...

35 doesn't mean the end of baby making. Just remember that. I have a friend who had her first at 36 and just a couple of weeks ago had her second at 38. Both were healthy, normal pregnancies. If you want to have a baby, you still have plenty of time. *hugs*

Ruth said...

I hit the big 33 in less than 4 months. While I don't get the having kids part my clock hasn't started ticking for me. I have begun to worry about being alone for the rest of my life. I am one of two that is not married where I live and for that matter one of like 3 that aren't married out of my group of friends.
Sending a hug your way.

Melissa said...

Hi Preppy Pink!
How funny..MY half birthday was this week also (when is your bday? Apparently we are the same age--mine is Feb 24 1978). I didn't realize we were 2.5 years away from 35..yikes. I think I sort of round differently..like that's in about three years.
I have the same issues. It's really hard to have faith. My story is a bit different as I married the most perfect wonderful guy at 27 and he passed away right before my 31st birthday. He developed lesions on his brain a year after we were married, so there were no kids. So I have a hard time wondering where my life is going to go sometimes and often freak out about the time clock.
I try to think that maybe my life is going to go in some different wonderful route--like Bethenney from NY Housewives getting married AND having a baby and being famous all at 38. I am okay with adopting as well, because I may have had to do that since we were scared Pete's disease may have been genetic and I had already come to peace with that idea.
Anyways, it's sort of nice to know someone else feels the same way. I feel weird sometimes. I was "all set" , most of my friends are married, and it was taken away and now I am back out there again wondering who the heck I am again.
Your blogs are great and fun and you probably have some awesome future you can't predict. I will say my husband was more amazing than I would have ever thought and I had a hard time with dating before I met him. Again, I try to have faith but it is TOUGH!
And please don't say two and a half years anymore..let's say three please!!!! :)

Susan said...

KK this is purely to lighten up your day.
I was at my kiddos school volunteering in the lunchroom and I walked over to where my son Jack was sitting to say hello, etc...Jack told me after I walked away that one of the boys sitting next to him said, "Is that your grandmother?"
GRANDMOTHER!? Lillte s*@t. I don't look old enough to be a grandmother.

Laura said...

Don't give up hope! My mom was 43 when she had me, you've got plenty of time! Everything will turn out right!

Fried Pink Tomato said...

I know that must be hard but luckily with medical advances it is really possible to have kids past 35. This past year two of my aunts had babies. One aunt is 39 and the other one is 40. Both pregnancies went great and the babies are happy and healthy. :)

tickledpink said...

I know exactly how you feel. At 33 I wonder if I will ever have the dream I have always wanted- husband with kids. it is difficult when all my friends are married with kids. We just have to have faith it will happen!:)

Kelley said...

I was in your exact situation 7 years ago. I felt punished by my body all because I waited to go to college, get married, get a job and a home before starting on kids.
I went through 3 IVFs- all failed! Then we adopted. It was a hard path; but soooo worth it in the end. Hang in there. Good luck.

Amy @ Chicy-Creations said...

Reading this broke my heart. I have several friends suffering from infertility right now and I cry for each and every deserving woman that hasn't been able to get pregnant. You'll be in my prayers with the rest of them.

Buford Betty said...

Hang in there, girl. You know our "waits" are similar. Waiting for something we have no real control over. Something everyone else seems to come by so easily and effortlessly! I love you and am always praying for you. Only thing I can say is to keep waiting on God and have faith in the fact that his timing is always perfect. I feel like he's always answering my "but, but..." with "Just wait, you'll see."

LOVE YOU, bestest!

Miss Wendy said...

Oh boy, can I sympathize with you. I'm 40 and at 32, when all my friends were having kids, I wanted to be a mom too. But our situation didn't allow it then. A few years later we were in a better place and started trying, then I lost my job and we have put it off again. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. All I can hope for is that if it's meant to be it will be one way or another.
Keep your chin up.... mr right is out there and you will find him.

Dr. Blondie said...

I think that all of the hype about turning 35 is overrated in most cases. If you're healthy, there's no reason to believe that as soon as you turn 35, you won't be able to conceive. I am 36.5 and have no problems on my end--my husband's and my problems with conceiving are on his end (40% of couples facing infertility are because of a sperm-related problem). I'm one of the younger women at my IVF clinic, which is encouraging. You may still have plenty of time--have faith!:)

Sunshine and Summertime said...

I agree, it is very hard to be a woman sometimes! Love and encouragement are being sent your way!

Screen Door Prep said...

Although I cannot personally relate to your struggles, I just adore you & hope with all my heart that you will be blessed with the family you are longing for. I hope you are able to relax & enjoy the weekend, darling!

Leah said...

OH I want to get pregnant again so bad, so I feel for ya! Hang in there!

Luvs!

Birdie Pearl said...

Life is NOT over- you really do have plenty of time! Yes, things change medically at 35, but it doesn't mean you'll be put out to pasture! So much can happen in two and a half years and I have lots of "late 30 and early 40" friends having babies! Deep breath - you're not alone!

Susan said...

KK, go see "The Switch" with Jennifer Aniston. I think you'll like it. It so made me think of you.

Kimberly said...

Well, clearly I am no expert here, and I sure won't pretend to feel what you've felt, because that would be patronizing and I don't want to belittle your pain. All I can say is that I understand what you are saying. It's hard to want something like that and to feel as if it might just slip away...
For the record, the weekend I met my mr, I had come to the unhappy conclusion that I was meant to be single for life and should just focus on myself... there's a path for everyone.
And I don't want to be presumptuous, or give unwanted advice, but there are many avenues for achieving mommyhood, so if it doesn't happen "naturally" for you, you could consider adoption even. My family has been blessed by adoption twice - soon to be three times - and we are advocates now! :)

Jo said...

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this issue. I don't have any magic words or shocking advice. I do believe that things happen when they should and as much as we try to control them {or maybe that's just me} they are on their own time table.

A very dear friend of mine who wasn't able to get pregnant for years finally gave up and wouldn't you know, she became pregnant at 44. She has the most adorable little Emma.

Sending you a big hug and a special prayer.

Jo

EntertainingMom said...

You are hardly old. 35 is just a number and not a curse. I was 37 when my third was born. I was worried about being in "the other category" but my Dr. said things don't just decline the minute you hit 35! I have many friends who didn't marry until they were in their mid 30s.... were done having kids before 40... It's quite commonplace these days with women working to contribute to the family income.

Hang in there... someday your Prince will come as will your little Prince and Princess!

Pink Maple said...

One of the lucky things for me is that since most of my friends have pursued post-graduate education, we are all slower than what might be considered average to start having children, so I don't get as much of that left-behind feeling. My core friend group ranges in age from 28 to 32 and only two of the oldest just had babies this year. But each wedding I attend definitely gets harder and harder!

Christy said...

I'm sorry to read about your struggles, but as I also edge into my 30's....and am no where closer to marriage, or kiddos, I sometimes have these fears about the future, biology, time, but I also have to completely place my faith in God. Truly, if He can raise a man from the dead, and I believe that with all my heart, in His timing, anything is possible. It all makes sense in the end, and if it doesn't make sense, it's not the end. Sending up a prayer for you!

Petra H said...

I found your blog thanks to the comment you made on mine, and reading your posts, this one made me cry. I turned 35 two months ago and have been trying to become a mother for the last 2½ years so I do understand your longing. The difference is that I do have a husband and father for the job. So I don't want to say that we are in the same situation, because I am one step further than you. And I am not saying that to gloat, I just don't like it when people say that they can understand, when they can't!! I only have one Swedish (I am Swedish but living abroad) who doesn't have children, most of the Swedes have TWO by the age of 35...
I have two non-Swedish friends who are 32 and 35 and single, I can try to imagine how stressful and suffering it is, but I can't KNOW because I haven't been 30+ and single (I have been under 30 and single though, not the same thing)...
I really hope that you will soon find the right person for you and that you will have a baby. Remember, don't regret what you haven't done in the past, just focus on the future!
And thanks for the cleaning tip on my blog!

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