Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Dear God,


One month from today, doctors everywhere will call me officially old.  I will be the age I have dreaded for six years. 

I am not married. 

I have no children.

I don't even own a home.

And from where I am standing, down here on a sidewalk full of melting, dirty snow, it doesn't seem like any of it will ever happen.

I feel so lost.  More specifically, I feel like I have lost.  Lost in life.

I am not sure I really believe the whole "everything happens in God's perfect timing" business.  That sort of seems like it is just what people who have it all tell people like me who are all mopey and hopeless.  Though admittedly, I use that line all the time.  So there, I'm human and confusing.

If this isn't going to happen for me, I just pray that you please take away the desire for a family. 

It's downright cruel at this point.  I spend way too much time spinning my wheels trying to rationalize why I don't deserve to have a family like everyone else.  I didn't grow up with a lot of love so I won't be able to give enough love to a family.  I'm too fat.  I'm too old.  I didn't grow up wanting kids so I somehow forfeit my dreams to have them now.  I'm not good enough.  I don't like noisy kid toys.  I don't like playing sports.  My style doesn't fit in.  I'm not smart enough.  I'm not pretty.  I'm not a cheerful, morning person.  I'm not motivated enough.  I procrastinate.  I have a lot of bad hair days.  I don't like cartoons.  I watch too much TV and read too few books.  I'm too reserved.  I'm too opinionated.  I'm not kind enough.  And the list of irrational self-banter goes on. 

Midnight is the devil for a single girl inching up on youth's last call!

So God, do you think you could do me a favor?  Just add it to the never-ending list.  I need you to please take this desire out of my heart.  Because it is literally breaking me.  If you don't have a perfect match for me, I get it.  I guess.  Not everyone wins the lottery.  But the aching desire is tearing me apart.  It's the only song I own and it plays on a loop, every minute of the day.

Please show me a new way to focus my thoughts.  Offer up a new life goal or direction.  Please.  Please!

xoxo,
KK

10 comments:

Susan said...

I have been reading your blog for years and yes probably have only commented a couple of times but I can for sure tell you that you are fabulous! I love your style ideas, your designs and crafts, and your stories.

I'll be sending positive thoughts and prayers your way in hopes that this year is the start of great things to come!

I know you read Kellys's Korner blog - would you consider doing to singles link up again ? I think it's in the next few weeks!

suburban prep said...

I do hope that your birthday is a good one.
I am sorry that you are feeling down.
I felt like you did too because I got married older. I have a friend who was even older than I who got married for the first time too.
I was not sure it was in the cards for me. I am the oldest of 7 siblings and I had three (obviously younger) siblings get married before I did too.
I do not have children. I thought I wanted them but due to a health issue I do not have them. With my parents of an age where they need help it is probably best that I have the time where I can drive in from where I live (about 35 minutes on a good day) to help them (as I did today). Due to the health issue I do not have a job either.
I do hope that things are better for you.
(I have a # birthday this year too that is significant).
Also just know to your family and friends they are thrilled that you have a birthday and that you can enjoy the day.

Elizabeth said...

I wish I could reach out & give you a big hug!!

Casey said...

If you're staring down the same number as me you're not alone although I'm not desperate to birth anything. I'd just like to not be single anymore. Have you looked into adopting or fostering kids?

caknitter said...

Guuurrrlll, you're singing my song. Every word you posted is what I am going through right now.AND, believe it or not, I know so many women in the same situation. I blame the men, yea, that's it, it's all their fault. lol
The expression "everything happens...blah, blah, blah." I've lost faith in it because I hear it a lot too.
You're probably not old as you think you are, but I understand. From what I've read on your blog, you have friends that care deeply for you, right? You're lucky, some don't even have that to brag about sometimes.
Sometimes writing out your feelings makes you feel better and much lighter. I'm hoping you're floating on a cloud soon. :-)
From a longtime reader and occasional commenter. :-)

MCW said...

Ok missy. You know I've been there and you know I've felt the same you do many, many, many times. Every once in awhile we need to through ourselves a pity party. I just had one Friday night for myself. However. You may NOT give up hope. You CANNOT stop believing that you deserve everything and that you will get it. I think "Why not me? What did I do?" on a daily basis. I KNOW it's hard to keep faith. Trust me. I KNOW as we get older the more you think God has forgotten you, but he hasn't. He has a plan. One that includes everything you have dreamed of. I know the waiting sucks.

And F the doctors. Yeah, I know the whole baby very scary statistics, but you cannot let that hang over your head. You have to get out there, live your life, put yourself out there again and again and again. Getting hurt is torture, but it's a means to an end/beginning....

Stop thinking about your age. Stop thinking that you won't get what you want more than life itself. You will. Do not roll over and give up. You HAVE to believe.

xoxo

Katiellirb said...

Don't ever forget for just one minute how WONDERFUL you are! But I will pray that if certain things are not meant to be, then those desires should not be meant to be as well. I can't understand why we feel so much pain for the things we cannot control - it truely is cruel :( But I DO think this is YOUR year! you are taking great strides and I just know positive things are in motion!

Eat. Live. Laugh. and sometimes shop! said...

You deserve everything your heart desires. And I bet you will have it all . . . in God's time. Don't let the calendar dictate when is the right time. And certainly don't let these disappointments make you question yourself. You are beautiful and wonderful and worthy of good in your life!! I'm so sorry. I am, but hope you know you are a gift. A glorious gift from God and your life has meaning and purpose!

xoxoxoxo

A Wedding Story said...

Please do not, for even a second, let Satan get into your head! He lives to bring us down by these accusations that we are not good enough. You are good enough. There is a verse in Revelation where God releases some of his angels that had been waiting until the day, minute, and second for their job to fulfill. I believe that he has every second of our lives mapped out, if we are living within His will. He is not finished with you. I do believe that if your desire is so strong to have a marriage, and children, that He has given you that desire and that he will fulfill that desire. When you meet the right person, you will thank the Lord for his perfect timing. Praying for you!

Rebecca Martinez said...

I just stumbled upon your blog today (looking at recipes) and this post makes my heart ache.

I don't know you, but please know that YOU are always enough.

Just because you haven't created a traditional family, doesn't mean that aren't part of a "friend family". Family is more than just the people you are related to. I hope that you are feeling better since this has posted.

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