Tuesday, January 22, 2013
One month from today, doctors everywhere will call me officially old. I will be the age I have dreaded for six years.
I am not married.
I have no children.
I don't even own a home.
And from where I am standing, down here on a sidewalk full of melting, dirty snow, it doesn't seem like any of it will ever happen.
I feel so lost. More specifically, I feel like I have lost. Lost in life.
I am not sure I really believe the whole "everything happens in God's perfect timing" business. That sort of seems like it is just what people who have it all tell people like me who are all mopey and hopeless. Though admittedly, I use that line all the time. So there, I'm human and confusing.
If this isn't going to happen for me, I just pray that you please take away the desire for a family.
It's downright cruel at this point. I spend way too much time spinning my wheels trying to rationalize why I don't deserve to have a family like everyone else. I didn't grow up with a lot of love so I won't be able to give enough love to a family. I'm too fat. I'm too old. I didn't grow up wanting kids so I somehow forfeit my dreams to have them now. I'm not good enough. I don't like noisy kid toys. I don't like playing sports. My style doesn't fit in. I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty. I'm not a cheerful, morning person. I'm not motivated enough. I procrastinate. I have a lot of bad hair days. I don't like cartoons. I watch too much TV and read too few books. I'm too reserved. I'm too opinionated. I'm not kind enough. And the list of irrational self-banter goes on.
Midnight is the devil for a single girl inching up on youth's last call!
So God, do you think you could do me a favor? Just add it to the never-ending list. I need you to please take this desire out of my heart. Because it is literally breaking me. If you don't have a perfect match for me, I get it. I guess. Not everyone wins the lottery. But the aching desire is tearing me apart. It's the only song I own and it plays on a loop, every minute of the day.
Please show me a new way to focus my thoughts. Offer up a new life goal or direction. Please. Please!