I seem to have myself in a bit of a pickle all of a sudden. I have a Friend. And she is going through a really miserable season of life right now. Her marriage is ending. In a bad way. Don't they all? Friend is desperate to salvage the relationship. Going above and beyond to be kind in the face of all sorts of misery. He's hateful and just flat out cruel. And she is begging him to stay. She's mad at him. But desperate for a miracle repair. Blaming everyone else to avoid reality. It's tragic and sad and breaks my heart. And her's too of course.
On top of that, she lost her father. Five minutes later her hub walked out the door and left her alone for the weekend. In no way does he see himself as incorrect or hurtful in this or any situation in life. Ever. Since he isn't there though, she is picking fights with all of those whom she loves the most. I am one of the few who has escaped this so far. He family structure is complicated. Aren't they all? People in mourning only elaborate emotions. Good, bad and in between.
Emotions are far from rational. They rarely make much sense to anyone outside of the situation. And even then, they are not terribly logical. Hard to explain. Often impossible to explain. Frustrating. Sad. Ridiculous. And unavoidable. We all have 'em, we all want 'em, but what do we do with them? Super sparkle bonus points if you get that reference right away!!
Friend is hurting those she loves the most. Because her family members are hurting her in the same light. She is falling apart and self-destructing. And now cutting people out. People who are turning to me for insight. People who truly have her heart on their hearts. People who are trying to help. I don't know what to do. I am treading lightly. I don't want to butt in where I don't belong. I don't want to make matters worse. But I am a natural nurturer. Detest conflict. I like to fix things. Whenever possible. And applicable. But this is confusing. Muddy. Murky. Is this my place? More than one party is turning to me. But not all parties are aware.
So last night I just went to bed early and stopped looking at my phone. I was exhausted and feel a sinus infection or a cold coming on. I also ate more than one gluten-full item over the weekend and after just two weeks 100% GF, it hit me like a storm. I needed to take the night to rest my body and head.
I want to be supportive. Actually, I am being supportive. But I need to figure out where to draw my line. And let people work things out on their own accord. Even if I am good at being a peacemaker. Is this my job as a friend? When Friend is in the blackest season of life right now. To help her see the good. And correctly place the bad. To hold her hand and love her and listen. Listening changes the world. Not sometimes. Always.
I'll let you know how this all pans out. I'm torn.
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7 comments:
I hated to read that. Not because YOU wrote it; I just hate it when people are going through something so terrible. I can only imagine what it would feel like to lose my marriage.
All you can do is all you can do.. does that make since? Just you talking about it, I can tell you are being the best friends she could ever ask for during this time. Just keep it up PPC.
Telia, NewlyWedWifeLife
Okay, here's my advice, even if you weren't asking for it.
Don't get involved unless she asks you to. Maybe the reason you've avoided the lash "so to speak" is because you are not butting in and trying to fix things.
Just be there for her and let her know you've got her back. That's it.
That is easy advice to give from someone who is a "fixer" and feels like she is responsible for solving all the problems in the world. Do as I say not as I do.....right?
What a difficult time for the both of you. Sometimes it is so hard for the friends and family of those who are hurting to know what to do. I'm sure your patience and openness to listen is helping immensely. I always like to also bring/give food or something else that may be hard to think of during difficult times. Best of luck!
I know exactly what you are saying. I have a very good friend also going through a divorce. She is irrational and self-destructing right before my eyes. I've tried everything. She is walking out on her husband -- he would like to work it out. She is simply done. I cannot make sense of it all and I'm driving myself crazy trying.
The bottom line is this: she is the only person who can fix the situation. She does not want to. I cannot convince her. I cannot fix her. I cannot make the pain go away. All I can do is stand back and be there when she does call crying. I can stop the gossiping by not participating and asking that others do the same.
Someone recently told me that they were thinking about me because they know how hard it is to be the friend who has to witness the destruction. It is hard. Allow yourself that -- it affects you too!!! It is hard but you cannot make it better. Grieving is a process and unless you have a magic wand, you cannot speed it up for her.
That's terrible news, but I will be thinking of your friend and sending happy thoughts and prayers her way.... "a natural nurturer"? - you must be a cancer. :) Have a great day and I hope you feel better soon.
What a tough situation for you to be in! I can relate because I'm definitely the peacemaker although I've never had to deal with anything quite so bad. I have to second the advice you've already been given to keep your opinions and advice to yourself and let her come to you once she's ready. Even if you can see the pain she's causing herself and others. I just wish everyone else who has been hurt by her could understand the situation and cut her some slack because of what she's going through, even if they would never treat their friends/family that way. Best wishes for you and her!
Well, having just gone through a divorce myself this summer I can relate to the darkness, though I did not react the way your friend is. I'm not much of an advice giver but for what it's worth:
1. Let her be in her moment however she chooses. Love her anyway and tell her, simply and often.
2. Do not get caught up in what others think / say / do / feel.
3. If she will listen, encourage her to STAND in darkness or the dispair or the sadness or whatever she is feeling. To let it hit her full force, to feel it, live it, taste it. To embrace it is the first step to working through it.
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