I think it's been pretty clear on here that I am stuck right in the middle of a very tough season in my life. A very unexpected season, too. And I am afraid I am not handling things terribly well.
I described it to a friend the other day as running a marathon (I was putting it in her world terms- trust me- I do not run marathons- or down the block for that matter). So you are running and it's mile marker 25. All you have to do is round a corner and you are practically finished. But as you come to the corner, some miserable person pops out and shouts "surprise...the race has an extra 20 miles to go!" You are stuck in the middle with no other option but to keep moving forward.
So forward I move. And I am huffing and puffing my way to the end. All I have left is up a little hill. But you can guess what happened when I made it up the hill. That miserable person popped out again and pointed towards a giant mountain. And said "I don't even know how many miles or how long it will take you but you have a l o n g road ahead and time is ticking."
Every time I think things are about to get better, they get explosively worse.
And I should note that there are multiple situations factoring into my personal woe-fest. It's not just one group, situation, choice, etc.
But the truth is that I am sad and frustrated and confused and exhausted and sick and upset a lot of the time lately.
I feel the weight of so many big responsibilities right now and feel like I have to fight so hard to accomplish the smallest of goals. My body is reacting physically from the stress. In really unkind ways.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I made these life choices. While some of the stress is not caused by me directly, I still made the choice to in some way be involved. I am dealing with it. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
I just hope that the whole "God has a plan and a purpose" tag line is true. I mean, I cannot for the life of me figure out what the purpose of my messy life is for my future. Or what the purpose is of the extended period of messy. Why keep adding extra miles to this already immeasurably difficult race? Please God, do not let this be an "unanswered prayer" where I never find out the purpose. I think I really need to see how such a dark season can make other seasons or people brighter in the long run.
OK please know I did not write any of that for sympathetic comments. I just needed to vent on my personal blog.
You should totally read this and this though. Both awesome, for completely different reasons.