Monday, January 10, 2011

Monster Monday

On December 22nd, right after I finished chatting with one of my besties, the door bell rang.  I ran down, told the dog to quit barking, and signed for the box.  I closed the door and looked to see who sent me a Christmas prezzie.  Only to realize it was my mother, Satan's wife. 


I sort of stared at it for a while and tried to decide if I should try to return it to sender or open it.  When she used to send me things in the USPS mail, I would write return to sender and drop them in the nearest post box.  When she stopped writing her return address, I would recognize her handwriting and write it in for her, then in a different ink write return to sender.  But this came UPS and I had already signed for it. 

So I opened it.

The gifts were fine.  Better than they used to be.  Less odd.  More me.  Leading me to once again believe she is reading this blog.  Though I have no specific proof this is the case.  Just a hunch.

Then there was a letter.

A long, multi-page, two-sided, hand-written on a legal pad letter.  Long.  Mostly telling me about herself and her step children* and step grandchildren.  Telling me in particular how golden the golden child still remains.  Predictable.  How they love the golden child's new wife and how much I would like her too.  Unlikely, as we will never meet. 

She also mentioned that one of the gifts reminded her of me because it was "preppy" and that when I was young, she and I had matching Lilly Pulitzer purses.  Further leading me to believe she might be reading this blog.   I honestly cannot imagine her making that whole connection otherwise and using that exact vocabulary. 

She again invited me and a friend to come stay with them for a visit this winter. 

Now that's a special offer to a close friend!  Hey, person I love, come down to Florida for a visit in Hades with Satan himself.  Who shall the lucky winner of that getaway be?  Any takers?

Then at the very bottom of the multi-page note, was one line about knowing she didn't always make the best decisions as a mother and wants to repair them.  I can't remember exactly and at the moment I don't remember where I tucked away the note.  But know that it was one line at the bottom. 

And that is when I started bawling hysterically.  Out of control, gasping for breath, in a ball on the floor, sobbing.  

I so desperately want her to leave Satan and come tell me she loves me and is so sorry for all the things she and he did to me in the past.  For all the lies they blabbed about me and my dad around town.  For taking away my church.  For taking away friends.  For making my childhood a living hell at times. 

I want so badly to know, just for one day in my life, what it feels like to be loved by a mom.

But I know that one off the cuff, slap-in-the-face sentence changes nothing.  It was more a reminder of what I will never have.  It's one thing not to know a mother's love.  But it's another to have a mother tell you to your little face that she will never love you.  It's life-altering in a way that is indescribable.  It takes away a piece of you. 

I had to talk to a friend.  Someone who would tell me it would be OK and that they loved me.  But I couldn't get a hold of anyone.  I finally got Georgia to pick up but I was sobbing so hard that she couldn't understand me.  She thought my dog had died.  She was in the middle of the mall and I knew she would never hear me over the holiday shoppers.  I sent her a quick text explaining and said we could talk later when she was at home and I was able to physically speak again.  I just had to cry it out on my own for a bit.

In a few hours I was totally fine. 

I almost didn't blog about it because I get so nervous writing this stuff down.  I never want people to think I am a.) looking for sympathy or b.) a bad child.  I don't believe I am either.  But I decided to write because I always get a very positive response on here.  I know it helps us all to feel we are less alone and a little less different for everyone.  So for those not yet in the sharing too much on a public blog stage of life, let me be your comfort for a few moments.  Let me assure you that your childhood might have sucked.  But mine did too.  And I totally get that strange as it might seem to say aloud, our common, crappy childhood bond makes us all feel a little bit better.

*I don't believe I've ever mentioned that I actually, technically have two step brothers.  Growing up I was close to the golden child and barely knew the other one.  Golden child of course loves my mother and sent one too many notes to me telling me I was terrible for not speaking to my mother.  Mind you, he knows what went on in that house growing up.  Or knows a good part of it anyway.  But he was and forever will be the golden child.  Can do no wrong.  Worshiped.  Doted on like a King.  The other one is about five years older than me and was considered the polar opposite of the golden child.  Can never do anything right in Satan's eyes.  He had a really extra tough time because of this.  I have not spoken to any of these people in more than a decade.  I plan to go the rest of my life not speaking to them.  Not because any of them are particularly bad.  They are not.  They are good people- I want to be clear about that.  I might still be good friends with golden child (and his wife) if it not for his Satan father.  But I don't trust any of them.  And I value the peace that the final separation from all involved has brought to my life.   A decision I would make again in a heart beat.

**New to the blog?  Just click here to read past Monster Monday posts.  Start at the bottom and work your way up.  Though they are not really in any specific order. 


Sherrie said...

I'm so sorry for all you have been through. You have definitely come out on top of it all and the adversity of your childhood has made you a strong independent woman. Hugs!

Anonymous said...

Sobbing and calling up a friend for a little love only to find out she's in the mall totally sucks! I'm glad you recovered soon and used your "comfort thing" to calm down and get back to being your awesome self! For every person who will never love you, there are ten others who are willing to give up their lives (life here meaning dignity and such) for you! Hate seeing any of my favorite bloggers sob, because you're awesome! By the way, I love stalking you and would love to be stalked by you on my blog! ;) Take care!

RiZZiE xoxo

Ruth said...

Sweetie I am sorry you had to go through all this during the holidays. I am glad you have made the choice to keep people in your life who truly love you.

Whitney and the Preppy Puppies said...

Sweetie, all I can say is I'm so sorry that you had all this sadness right before Christmas. I can't imagine what you were feeling. xo xo

Erica said...

That's a rough one, for sure. So sorry you had to receive that letter right before Christmas. ...Thinking about you.

Buford Betty said...

Hugs for you, momma. Continuing to pray that you'll find peace over all this junk someday. It just sucks and I hate it for you.

Dr. Blondie said...

You know, I dislike the holidays because they include obligatory family contacts. Even if you're not in touch with or have no relationship with certain family members, there's always the possibility that they could contact you, which I find incredibly stressful. Not to mention the fact that when I'm surrounded by friends who genuinely WANT to spend lots of quality time with their families, I feel so abnormal and left out. Anyway, all of this to say that you are NOT alone, and thank you for sharing your stories with us. Sending you love and wishing you continued peace with the situation.

Tracy said...

I started following your blog because of the title. I was thinking, what a way to de-stress, it's going to be all about pink and green and cute things and the blogger is probably one of those happy go lucky girls for whom everything right happens. I was only looking for some light entertaining reading, but it feels nice to connect and commiserate with a fellow "miserable childhood alum." Thanks for writing this blog. I'm looking forward to more. -Tracy

caknitter said...

You poor thing, I'm sorry you've been put through such drama during your young life. Know that you're not alone, there's also a golden child or two in my family, and I completely understand.
Thank goodness you have such great friends to listen and comfort you.
I haven't read the story behind it all yet, but will as soon as I publish this comment.
Stay strong little Lady and everything will continue to be fine because you have a loving father that stands by you, right?
Have a great week!

e.m. said...

So sorry to hear that you had a rough time. It is very devastating not to get the love from the ones, who should by human nature, love you the most. It is very normal for you to grieve what will never be or for that matter, what should have been. I am sending you big hugs and thank you for sharing some very vulnerable aspects of your life with us. Let's look forward to what we have now, not what once was.

MCW said...

Ok...I am going to have to go back and read your posts. However, a mom should love their children above all others. I am sorry that you do not have that type of mother, but when you become one I know you will be. xo

Princess Freckles said...

I can't even read all your previous MM posts at once because it hits so close to home. I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I know what it's like. My situation has improved, but the memories are always hard. I think writing helps you, and I'm glad you feel like you can share with us. It's a great outlet and place of support.

living well said...

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. I relate to your Monster Monday stories more than I can admit to myself. I know that no family is entirely happy and no parent is perfect, but damnit, why can't they be? Don't kids deserve that, or at least the closest version possible? I'm so happy though to hear that you have great close friends and a caring father - and are strong enough to only surround yourself with people who are good to you and who deserve to be in your life!


Maureen said...

sending a deserved better.

Lina Thomlinson said...

So brave of you to post this but I think one of the great things about the blogging community is that you find you're not alone, so many of us can relate to at least a part of your story. Hearing things like this I'm impressed by your positivity and strength. It gives us all hope that even though we didn't have that "normal" upbringing we can still become amazing, happy people. *hug*

Mary Beth said...

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. However, you have risen above everything and everyone who has worked against you. Although I only "know" you from reading your blog, I can tell that you are a kind, compassionate, generous person. Hugs to you!

katie lake said...

I cried for you when I read this post. It doesn't matter how many times it happens, or how over you think you are, it can still affect you. But you know what? That is okay! My fiance tells me he knows that my past experiences and having her as my mother will make me a better mother and a better wife. I believe that for you as well. You are going to be an amazing mom and an amazing mother one day. Having a loving father who will do anything for you will make you an amazing mother and wife. I love that you are strong enough to share your feelings with us. I may not have met you but I know these things to be true about you!


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