Momentary Venting

May I vent for a moment? I promise to not do this very often. So if this annoys you, come back tomorrow when I promise to not vent and whine. Because let's face it, this is just as much a whine session as anything else. Just being honest.

I am 31 and quickly approaching 32. I am single. S I N G L E. Not a man in my vast, open horizon. No one. Nada. I go to everything single. No "and guest" for me. Half the weddings I am invited to don't even include a guest. It's just a given that I will never ever have a date. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. And everyone knows it.





Y'all know I volunteer as a sorority advisor. Well now many of the collegians whom I advised are getting married. And I am in majah depression over this fact. Don't get me wrong, I of course wish everyone a lifetime of happiness. I'm not just saying that, I really mean it. I am not jealous in a way that I only want that for myself and not for anyone else. But I do want it too. I want to share that joy (and frustration and ups and downs and sideways and everything that comes along with being married. I am not under the impression that "happily ever after" actually exists. I know it is hard work. I'm willing and able!) with a life mate.





I want someone to take out the trash and thank me for making dinner most nights. I want to miss him when he is golfing with the guys for the weekend and I want him to miss me when I go visit my girlfriends in another state for the weekend. I want to host Thanksgiving for our crazy families and convince him that wearing a Lilly tie on Easter will not be as painful as he might imagine. And I want photos of it all to remember for generations.

Here's the thing. When I tell all of this to someone, they have one of two responses. The first usually comes from my newly (less than 5 years) married friends. They tell me how I should enjoy being single. That I should do all of the "only when you're single" things now. Like go to bars? Not my thing. Like kiss a bunch or random men? Again, not my thing. I am not sure what these fabulous single things are but I think this answer bites big time. I am not sure there is actually anything I would do single that I cannot do married. I live the life of a housewife-wannabe. Wannabe being the key word of course!

The second response is slightly accusatory mixed with proactiveness. They ask what I am doing about it. And while I appreciate the pro-active end of the question, I sort of resent that accusation that my unwillingness to stand on a street corner holding a sign saying "please date me" means I deserve to be single. One of my best friends met her now hub in a college lecture class. She ignored him at first. Another met hers when we were all little children. We were in diapers together and lived in the same neighborhood. Another met hers at work. Actually, several met their men at work now that I think about it. I work with women so this is not a possibility for me. None of these ladies were actively trying to date their now husbands. It just happened to work out that way. So if they didn't need to resort to a street corner with a sign, why should I have to humiliate myself further? The answer is that I am not really doing "anything" about my single syndrome. I do try to be aware of my surroundings (you know, at Starbucks and such), just in case Mr. Right is right there. But I am not currently on eHarmony or the like (Though I have been there before. The guy I dated from eH is married and just had a baby girl. Further fueling my whine fest.). I've been on several blind dates. They rarely pan out but I am always good spirited enough to look at those situations in a positive and complimentary light. I do appreciate others thinking that much of me and don't find it offensive.

The bottom line is that it seems clear to everyone who comments that this is my fault. That I am not "putting myself out there" or whatever the heck that means. Everyone loves to tell me that it will happen when it happens. Thanks, that really cleared that up for me. Exactly when will that be do you suppose?

My friends who are prego-challenged do their best to avoid baby showers and kiddie birthday parties. It just feels too painful for them to have it in their face all the time. I totally get that. But you can't do that when you are marriage-challenged. I have exactly one of my 10 best girlfriends who is still single. And she lives nine states away. Every other friend is married. Or in a practically-married relationship. If I avoided all my married friends, I would be avoiding everyone I know. Literally. And one can avoid baby showers- you just mail a gift and no one gives a hoot. But how exactly is one to avoid a wedding when you are a bridesmaid. I can't mail my bridesmaid dress and magically make it walk down the aisle and give a toast. On top of impossible, that would be creepy. And I want to be there. I love weddings and love my friends and genuinely love being there to celebrate those awesome life moments. It's just that I want a reason for people to celebrate with me too. I am recently convinced that if I ever find a man to marry, we will have to do a justice of the peace wedding. Most of my friends now have children or are planning to have them soon. You can't exactly run off to another state for a weekend wedding when you have babies. I feel like I have officially missed my window of time to have anyone even consider coming to my highly-unlikely-to-even-happen-anyway wedding.

Oh and don't even get me started on my family members asking me why I am single. Why? You want to know why? As if I am making a conscious decision to be love-less? Like I turn suitors away? I don't bloody know why! But you asking me like that is humiliating. Not just frustrating but humiliating because it further makes me feel like a big fatty loser who will forever be invited to events solo.

What's the point of this post, you are wondering? Well everyone says if you want something to happen, be pro-active. So I pray about it multiple times a day (Pray, plead, beg, cry, discuss, and then some. God is fully aware, trust me. We chat frequently.), I think about it, I talk about it (usually with Georgia- my only single best friend and Sadie - the pup), and I made a vision board (ala Oprah). I stare at that darn vision board every bloody day. So far, nada. Its just a dumb board with magazine clippings and bold lettering. And now I am putting it out into the blogosphere in great detail.





I want to be married and adopt children. I know I can (and likely will) have a family without a husband. But in my heart of hearts, I want the husband too. First, I want him first. Not for the wedding or ring. I want the marriage. I want the partner. I want someone to hold my hand when I am sad. I want someone to share my life with. I want it all, dammit. There, I said it. I really do want "it all." But will gladly settle for some part thereof. I am so tired (literally exhausted) of feeling so alone and unloved. I know my family and friends love me. But it is not the same. Their love being enough is like telling a woman yearning for years to get pregnant to just enjoy her neighbor's kid instead. It is not the same thing. Not even close. My heart aches for marriage. The older I get, the more alone I feel. The more at a stand-still. I feel like my friends are living life and I am stuck sitting on the corner waiting for a bus that is never coming. It changed routes and doesn't even pass this neighborhood anymore. Maybe I should in fact get out my "please marry me" sign as long as I am standing on this bus-less street corner!