Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Momentary Venting



May I vent for a moment? I promise to not do this very often. So if this annoys you, come back tomorrow when I promise to not vent and whine. Because let's face it, this is just as much a whine session as anything else. Just being honest.

I am 31 and quickly approaching 32. I am single. S I N G L E. Not a man in my vast, open horizon. No one. Nada. I go to everything single. No "and guest" for me. Half the weddings I am invited to don't even include a guest. It's just a given that I will never ever have a date. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. And everyone knows it.





Y'all know I volunteer as a sorority advisor. Well now many of the collegians whom I advised are getting married. And I am in majah depression over this fact. Don't get me wrong, I of course wish everyone a lifetime of happiness. I'm not just saying that, I really mean it. I am not jealous in a way that I only want that for myself and not for anyone else. But I do want it too. I want to share that joy (and frustration and ups and downs and sideways and everything that comes along with being married. I am not under the impression that "happily ever after" actually exists. I know it is hard work. I'm willing and able!) with a life mate.





I want someone to take out the trash and thank me for making dinner most nights. I want to miss him when he is golfing with the guys for the weekend and I want him to miss me when I go visit my girlfriends in another state for the weekend. I want to host Thanksgiving for our crazy families and convince him that wearing a Lilly tie on Easter will not be as painful as he might imagine. And I want photos of it all to remember for generations.

Here's the thing. When I tell all of this to someone, they have one of two responses. The first usually comes from my newly (less than 5 years) married friends. They tell me how I should enjoy being single. That I should do all of the "only when you're single" things now. Like go to bars? Not my thing. Like kiss a bunch or random men? Again, not my thing. I am not sure what these fabulous single things are but I think this answer bites big time. I am not sure there is actually anything I would do single that I cannot do married. I live the life of a housewife-wannabe. Wannabe being the key word of course!

The second response is slightly accusatory mixed with proactiveness. They ask what I am doing about it. And while I appreciate the pro-active end of the question, I sort of resent that accusation that my unwillingness to stand on a street corner holding a sign saying "please date me" means I deserve to be single. One of my best friends met her now hub in a college lecture class. She ignored him at first. Another met hers when we were all little children. We were in diapers together and lived in the same neighborhood. Another met hers at work. Actually, several met their men at work now that I think about it. I work with women so this is not a possibility for me. None of these ladies were actively trying to date their now husbands. It just happened to work out that way. So if they didn't need to resort to a street corner with a sign, why should I have to humiliate myself further? The answer is that I am not really doing "anything" about my single syndrome. I do try to be aware of my surroundings (you know, at Starbucks and such), just in case Mr. Right is right there. But I am not currently on eHarmony or the like (Though I have been there before. The guy I dated from eH is married and just had a baby girl. Further fueling my whine fest.). I've been on several blind dates. They rarely pan out but I am always good spirited enough to look at those situations in a positive and complimentary light. I do appreciate others thinking that much of me and don't find it offensive.

The bottom line is that it seems clear to everyone who comments that this is my fault. That I am not "putting myself out there" or whatever the heck that means. Everyone loves to tell me that it will happen when it happens. Thanks, that really cleared that up for me. Exactly when will that be do you suppose?

My friends who are prego-challenged do their best to avoid baby showers and kiddie birthday parties. It just feels too painful for them to have it in their face all the time. I totally get that. But you can't do that when you are marriage-challenged. I have exactly one of my 10 best girlfriends who is still single. And she lives nine states away. Every other friend is married. Or in a practically-married relationship. If I avoided all my married friends, I would be avoiding everyone I know. Literally. And one can avoid baby showers- you just mail a gift and no one gives a hoot. But how exactly is one to avoid a wedding when you are a bridesmaid. I can't mail my bridesmaid dress and magically make it walk down the aisle and give a toast. On top of impossible, that would be creepy. And I want to be there. I love weddings and love my friends and genuinely love being there to celebrate those awesome life moments. It's just that I want a reason for people to celebrate with me too. I am recently convinced that if I ever find a man to marry, we will have to do a justice of the peace wedding. Most of my friends now have children or are planning to have them soon. You can't exactly run off to another state for a weekend wedding when you have babies. I feel like I have officially missed my window of time to have anyone even consider coming to my highly-unlikely-to-even-happen-anyway wedding.

Oh and don't even get me started on my family members asking me why I am single. Why? You want to know why? As if I am making a conscious decision to be love-less? Like I turn suitors away? I don't bloody know why! But you asking me like that is humiliating. Not just frustrating but humiliating because it further makes me feel like a big fatty loser who will forever be invited to events solo.

What's the point of this post, you are wondering? Well everyone says if you want something to happen, be pro-active. So I pray about it multiple times a day (Pray, plead, beg, cry, discuss, and then some. God is fully aware, trust me. We chat frequently.), I think about it, I talk about it (usually with Georgia- my only single best friend and Sadie - the pup), and I made a vision board (ala Oprah). I stare at that darn vision board every bloody day. So far, nada. Its just a dumb board with magazine clippings and bold lettering. And now I am putting it out into the blogosphere in great detail.





I want to be married and adopt children. I know I can (and likely will) have a family without a husband. But in my heart of hearts, I want the husband too. First, I want him first. Not for the wedding or ring. I want the marriage. I want the partner. I want someone to hold my hand when I am sad. I want someone to share my life with. I want it all, dammit. There, I said it. I really do want "it all." But will gladly settle for some part thereof. I am so tired (literally exhausted) of feeling so alone and unloved. I know my family and friends love me. But it is not the same. Their love being enough is like telling a woman yearning for years to get pregnant to just enjoy her neighbor's kid instead. It is not the same thing. Not even close. My heart aches for marriage. The older I get, the more alone I feel. The more at a stand-still. I feel like my friends are living life and I am stuck sitting on the corner waiting for a bus that is never coming. It changed routes and doesn't even pass this neighborhood anymore. Maybe I should in fact get out my "please marry me" sign as long as I am standing on this bus-less street corner!

27 comments:

Pink Martini said...

Do any of your married friends know guys they could set you up with? I know people who swear by match.com.

USCEmily said...

What an incredibly honest post- I hope you feel better just by getting it out from being bottled up. I often feel the same way as you do about the day when I will eventually get married. Every last one of my friends that would be in my wedding is already married. I feel like by the time my "time" rolls around, they'll be pregnant, have children, or just be too old to be a bridesmaid. I often feel like my wedding will be an afterthought, unlike all of their weddings that I have been in. And it often makes me feel bitter and resentful. I'm like you- what is wrong with me? Why doesn't anybody want to marry me? What do they have that I don't? I was in 3 weddings this summer...three! I see no reason that those three of my best friends are any more worthy of a partner for life than I am. I am in a relationship, but I'm not counting on marriage any time soon, so I can totally feel where you are coming from. In a way, it's just as bad to be in a relationship and not see marriage on the horizon anytime soon because then you get the questions "when are y'all getting married?" blah blah blah.

Thank you for the honest and heartfelt post! Sorry my comment was so long!

Black Labs and Lilly said...

It sucks. Being single when all of your friends are married or engaged really really sucks. I hope this post helps get some hurt feelings off of your chest, we're here to listen anytime!

Rachel H. said...

I know a few friends who can relate to this, and they always get the same response from many of their friends that they aren't getting out there enough. I do have two friends that have met and married their now husbands on E-Harmony. I know that it may not always be glamorous and can be embarrassing for some to say that they met their husband on the internet, but it works, and it's out there for you. It doesn't mean that you are desperate, but once you have graduated from college, it becomes extremely difficult to meet men. You just aren't in the situation nearly as often. Good Luck!

Jillian, Inc said...

I didn't get married until I was 35. I had lots of steady, long-term (3+ year) boyfriends, etc etc. I tried all of the suggestions your friends tell you. I dated a ton. And finally when I was 34 and change I decided just to take a break, throw in the towel for awhile, and embrace the single life and BOOM - I got married. ha! For me it was always hardest during the holidays. So, no advice here. I do know how you feel and wish there was something I could suggest. But do have faith it will happen - don't give up hope.

PS - My husband only takes out the trash partially. Always missed the fullest trash can. HA!

suburban prep said...

Like Jillian I didn't get married until I was 35. I saw all my friends around me pairing off and getting married and having children. I wasn't looking when I met the man who is now my husband. It was weird out of the blue I received flowers anonymously and we dated for a few yrs and then got married. I am even the oldest of 7 siblings and I was not the 1st,2nd, or 3 rd to get married.
I had a hard time beleiving others when they said that it would happen.It di happen and It will for you (I know easy for me to say--now). When you least expect it.
All the best.

Headbands and Hand Bags said...

Every one needs some time to vent!!

Christin said...

Love your honesty and vulnerability! We're here to listen whenever you need to vent!

Kiss My Tiara said...

Love, love, love this post. I have so much respect for you for saying what we are all too afraid to say sometimes or admit to ourselves! We are here to listen, and not to judge, and we support you!

thepreppyprincess said...

What an outstanding, candid, tell-it-like-it-is post Miss PPC, my admiration for you is even higher than it was before. (And it was already mighty high, justifiably so.)

It never ceases to amaze me when people launch into the verbal assault on someone when topics like this come up, a la the two versions you endure. There is also the third response (IMHO), the "Let's all talk about how we can fix _______", disregarding the notion maybe this isn't one with an easy 'fix,' or maybe the person isn't looking for any resolution, merely venting.

Thank you for sharing this, it paints the scenario so many of us have coped with perfectly, with clarity and accompanying poignancy.

Sending you a smile and a hug, you are such a champ. I wish I could sprinkle some pixie dust and make it all better.
tp

EmilyB said...

Such a well written post. Keep the faith alive. There are good guys out there. I have a number of friends who have met a guy, fallen in love and gotten married -- all in the span of less than a year!

KMW said...

I'm so happy you wrote this. So many times I think we all try to be so perfect and never let anyone in to know how we are really feeling. I'm sure I don't have any advice for you that you haven't already heard, but I really loved reading your honest thoughts.

Thanks!

Jane said...

I also didn't get married until I was 35. By then though many of my friends were going through divorces.
Appreciate your honest post - proud of you.

Canadian Preppy said...

I can 100% understand how you feel. Your honest and willingness to speak about how you are feeling is refreshing. I'm in my mid 20's and I've never been in a long term relationship. Sure friends have also told me that one day it will happen for me. but I can't help but wonder if it ever will. Thanks again for sharing. I hope that you get everything you want in life and more. You seem like a really geninue person. All the best!

Beth Dunn said...

I feel for you! I hope you find him. It can be hard but chin up. There were tons of cute single guys when I was a lift operator in Colorado-do you ski? xoxo

SC

Just Anonymous Prep said...

I understand where you're coming from 100% especially with other people's "well what are you doing" reactions. I will join you on that corner, because in my circle of friends I'm the last single gal standing. I think it's perfectly acceptable to want it all. Vent away!

tintarosa said...

I got married close to the age of 35. Just keep the faith.

Mags said...

I wish for you all that you yearn for...the husband and family of your dreams!!!

Impoverished Preppy said...

Two thoughts - first, don't compromise your standards just to get married. My best friend from high school hit 31 and panicked. She ended up marrying a complete jerk and does not seem very happy now three years into it. Second, my sister (who is pretty, has a PhD and pretty much kicks a**) met her husband on craigslist, I kid you not. Hang in there!

Maureen said...

I understand. Been there. Like several who commented, I was in my thirties when I met my husband. It sucks when you want something and it's not happening. Good for you for putting it out there - I believe in that. I don't know why it takes so long sometimes, but he's out there. You will find him. Or he will find you. In the meantime, find some single friends - that helps. I loved my married friends, but at 30, I wanted to be around single friends who just got it. Friends who were married at 25 didn't get it. Just the way it is.

bwoodusa said...

Hi PPC - i am... drumroll... 41, beautiful, smart (just ask my parents ; )... and single. i could say the same things about weddings i've been in, showers thrown, gifts purchased. now i have 3 godchildren plus my nieces! here's what i wish someone had told me at your age: it's not fair, but it's simply true, the older you get, the demographics turn in favor of men. there are simply fewer men that 'we would like' and it's just a fact. so, be angry, stomp up and down, go to he gym and hit something! and then-- get over it. read "The Surrendered Single," amazing book, all college girls should read it. get your game face on, no negative self-talk, think out of the box and go on a million dates. you MUST join match. and, be open to dating older men (10 yrs), and younger men (5 yrs), at least go on one date. when i was your age i was pursued by men in their late 30s/40s who i tossed aside without a chance. Again, read The Surrendered Single. learn about who you are as a dater and how to choose by being more open, without being judgemental, listening to your gut how a man makes you feel, how he treats you. it's so private, even your friends cant really know who you are on dates-- only you can. be the best you you can be, and practice being the person you'd want to meet every day! the only way to beat the demographics is to up your numbers. just do it, date with twice the frequency you did 5 years ago-- but with the right attitude. dont go on dates if youre going to get tipsy and sarcastic (like i did ; ) thinking 'why me?' prepare yourself and believe in yourself. make at least one match.com date per week. it puts you in a dating mindset so YOU can choose the best man for YOU. i wish you the best, and believe me, if I'd done that at 32 instead of waiting until now, I would indeed be married. I still know it will happen for me, but maybe not in time for biological children. but that's okay. i know who i am now more than ever, what i have to give and what i deserve. keep me posted?

Pink Maple said...

What a great post, good for you for getting your feelings out there! I too am in a similar boat to you and I totally understand where you're coming from. Luckily, I have a decent number of single friends so that helps keep me positive - although that number goes down every year!

KK said...

I know. Trust me. 37 and I don't know a single, single man! Where do I find them?? How is it my fault? Ugh! At what point do I "give up" on finding him and adopt on my own? I know!

Mrs. Bentley Brooks said...

This post that I almost missed in my reader (bad reader), felt like it could have been written by me a few years ago. I am 33 and just got married in September. I watched my friends get married, my cousins and co-workers. People would also ask me "why are you single"...I would come back with "yeah, well why are you married"...I was so bitter. I remember all of these feelings and honestly all that I can think of is that everything happens for a reason and that I was lucky to have had all of my 20's to travel and have fun but I do remember the pain that I also felt. It will happen when it's supposed to. I wish you the best and it would appear by all of the comments here, we all feel the same.

Buford Betty said...

Though it's not the same problem, you know I can totally relate to the wanting-something-everyone-else-has-but-you-can't-get-and-there's-nothing-you-can-do-about-it. You very much feel left behind, and all your friends just want to "fix" you. I know I'm guilty of telling you to "get out there" and whatnot! But perhaps I should take my own advice and just give you a big cyber hug and tell you I love you!!!

tulipmom said...

Just thinking of you and stopped by. Sort of ironic, I guess, timing wise. I hope it happens for you very soon.

SouthernBelleJM said...

Ooooops lovely, I commented on the wrong post. Haha=) It was meant for this one. Sorry...

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails