Monster Monday

One night at dinner when I was in the fourth grade, Satan grabbed a butcher's knife and forced it into my hand. With both of his hands over mine, he forced me to put the knife right up to my mother's neck. Never actually touching her, but thisclose. He was screaming at me that I was slowly killing my mother. That this (slitting her throat) was what I had done that day.

Want to take a guess as to what I did that day?

I had to go to court (again....my parents were always in court....and so was I) and talk to the judge. The judge asked me if I loved my parents. And I said....wait for it....wait for it....that I loved my parents equally. Yup, loving them equally was what created that knife incident. That incident, by the way, lasted for hours and in the end Satan put his fist through a wall.

When I was little, elementary school age, Satan would get me out of bed at all hours of the night. He would force me to sit in a chair so we were knee to knee. Then he would ask me over and over and over to tell him who I loved more, my mother or my father. I would always answer that I loved them equal. Which made these sessions last for hours. At like midnight on a school night when I was in the second-sixth grades. He would frequently ask me who I would save if I could only save one parent, who I would feed if I could only feed one parent, and the like. It was tortuous. My mother never once came in the room to save me. I know she was threatened too. But as an adult I no longer make excuses for her. It was her job to protect me and instead she allowed this to take place.


Many have emailed and commented that they hope my mother left Satan. She is still with him. Still making excuses for him. I have not had a relationship with her since I was 16. And I have not spoken to her in nearly a decade. Though they do go through phases of stalking me. Usually in late winter/early spring. Many people are very unsympathetic towards me cutting her out of my life. But she refuses to be part of my life without him. Flat. Out. Refuses. And while I might not be this fabulous person, I am confident enough to know that I am better without that horrible in my life. I have no regrets about standing up for myself. No regrets at all. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears monthly to think that I will likely never again see her. But she has made her choice. She chose him. Said over and over that she would never chose me over him. And she was right. She never did.