Monday, October 5, 2009

Monster Monday

One night at dinner when I was in the fourth grade, Satan grabbed a butcher's knife and forced it into my hand. With both of his hands over mine, he forced me to put the knife right up to my mother's neck. Never actually touching her, but thisclose. He was screaming at me that I was slowly killing my mother. That this (slitting her throat) was what I had done that day.

Want to take a guess as to what I did that day?

I had to go to court (again....my parents were always in court....and so was I) and talk to the judge. The judge asked me if I loved my parents. And I said....wait for it....wait for it....that I loved my parents equally. Yup, loving them equally was what created that knife incident. That incident, by the way, lasted for hours and in the end Satan put his fist through a wall.

When I was little, elementary school age, Satan would get me out of bed at all hours of the night. He would force me to sit in a chair so we were knee to knee. Then he would ask me over and over and over to tell him who I loved more, my mother or my father. I would always answer that I loved them equal. Which made these sessions last for hours. At like midnight on a school night when I was in the second-sixth grades. He would frequently ask me who I would save if I could only save one parent, who I would feed if I could only feed one parent, and the like. It was tortuous. My mother never once came in the room to save me. I know she was threatened too. But as an adult I no longer make excuses for her. It was her job to protect me and instead she allowed this to take place.


Many have emailed and commented that they hope my mother left Satan. She is still with him. Still making excuses for him. I have not had a relationship with her since I was 16. And I have not spoken to her in nearly a decade. Though they do go through phases of stalking me. Usually in late winter/early spring. Many people are very unsympathetic towards me cutting her out of my life. But she refuses to be part of my life without him. Flat. Out. Refuses. And while I might not be this fabulous person, I am confident enough to know that I am better without that horrible in my life. I have no regrets about standing up for myself. No regrets at all. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears monthly to think that I will likely never again see her. But she has made her choice. She chose him. Said over and over that she would never chose me over him. And she was right. She never did.

20 comments:

Little Bow Prep said...

Oh dear! Each of these stories about 'Satan' sound horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that growing up.

MMW said...

Oh my - I thought {my} story growing up was awful. God bless you for the strong woman you are today. Hugs hugs hugs.
MMW

Suburban Princess said...

I feel awful for you - your mom shouldn't put you thought this.

Preppy in Pink said...

I may be playing catch up but did you finally choose to go live with your dad?

Canadian Preppy said...

I almost started to cry while reading this, not just because it is so upseting that any person would have to endure such awful treatment as a child. But because I admire the strength and courage it must have took to overcome this.
I wish you only good things in the future.
take care.
-CP

Sarah Ann said...

That is a terrible experience for a child to have. You were right to take yourself out of their lives- you deserve better than that.

short southern momma said...

I am stunned! So sorry you had to go through this! Bless you for standing up for yourself!! XOXO

tintarosa said...

It was hard to read your post today. Satan is a horrible person.

B.E.A said...

I can't imagine what you have been through. I'm so glad you were able to get out of that situation!

Torch Lake Prep said...

Breaks my heart to think of this happening to a human being. You are so right to move on with your life. These were terrible behaviors. Someday your children will appreciate what a kind, considerate, loving mother you will be as a result of this life altering environment.

Prep in the country said...

I'm so glad you stood up for yourself. This story had given me the courage to do what I want to do in the future. You are a truly strong woman and one day I hope to have the strength you have.
Prep in the country.

Elle said...

Wow... difficult stuff... but you are absolutely right to shut her out of your life. I had a similar situation although the abuser was my bi-polar mother... lectures that would start at 10pm and go on until 2 am... not having friends over because you never knew what might happen...

I moved across the country for school and still live 1,200 miles away. Were it not for an 8 year old little sister still living with my mom I would never speak to her!

As an adult survivor of childhood abuse you have to create boundaries and make decisions that are healthy for you... so much of the damage of abuse is the patterns it creates and even as a healthy adult it is hard to break those patterns in yourself. I applaud you for cutting your mom out. As you say it's hard and there are times it makes you weep... but know that you are making the right decision for you... and also know that you are not, never were, and will never be defined by that situation. It may have shaped you into who you are, but it doesn't define you in any way!

Diane said...

Good for you for not allowing Satan or your mother to continue abusing you. It must have been a hard thing to do, especially at such a young age. I hope you're happy with your life now. You certainly deserve it!

five tomatoes said...

I'm so happy you have such a great dad to make up for Satan's crappy male influence in your life.

The Pink Putter said...

I cannot imagine going through the things you did as a child. You are such a strong person for overcoming that and being the great person you are today. I know that it was a hard decision to break ties with your mother, but you ultimately have to do what is best for yourself. Hugs to you!

e.m. said...

It is difficult to read your posts as I know your pain and anguish. I am relieved to know about your decision and that you are away from him. I understand the pain of losing your mother and the disappointment you feel with her choice. I don't know if that feeling of rejection ever goes away even if you have become a healthy functioning adult. I commend you on your bravery and confidence in your past and present as you continue to share with us. I hope you will find some peace.

KK said...

You are right to walk away and keep a safe distance. It sounds so terrible.

Stacy said...

OMG, I never new - you are such a brave and strong person! And you are so much better off without them in your life. One of my best friends has had to cut her whole family (mom, dad, sister, grands) out of her life as well because her mom has serious psychological issues that culminated with her threatening to kill my friend - after which she cut them out of her life, moved and never gave them her contact info. Sadly the rest of the family, even though they know that the crazy happened, refuses to accept my friend and blames it all on her. It's so sad and pathetic (them) - but her life is so much better off with her friend family than it ever was with her real family. Congrats on being able to get yourself out of a horrible situation!

Kerree said...

I know it hurts but you're better off without the both of them. I don't speak to my mother either for the same reason and my life is far better for it. How about I be your bloggy mum and you can be my bloggy mum?

Crystal said...

I'm not going to say..."oh your stories are so horrible...I feel sooo bad for you..." The things you write about Satan is bad...but I know that it only made you a better person in the long run!!! You are better off. When Satan dies or leaves, your mom will look for someone to fill that void...and at that point, it'll be too late! Hold your head up and think that this is the decision you made because you are strong, independent and fantastic!!!!

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