Friday, July 13, 2012
Left Behind
While I never felt like I completely fit in during childhood, I was always at the top of my class and had really great girlfriends. College was so much fun for me. I am still very close to all of my besties from both Butler and UGA. After college was an adventure, but even then I found myself having such a great time in Indy and then DC with amazing friends.
But then my mid-twenties happened.
And friends started to get married.
At first it was so much awesome. Every trip I took was centered around a wedding for a best pal. I was in most of those weddings. Perfecting my initially non-existent (sorry Bestie...that's the curse of being my first MOH gig) bridesmaiding skills.
Even with half of my friends married and settled, I had no hesitations. Or few. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wince now and then that I was mostly single over those years. But I was having fun with my friends and busy doing volunteer work and I just didn't let it bother me.
Then my late 20's hit. Now my married friends were having babies. Or trying to have babies. Or having third babies. Lots-o-babies.
Baby presents became my life's work. I am not good at much but I can make a darn cute baby present.
And there were friends who struggled to have babies. Their hearts broken. People were extra sensitive around them with certain subjects. People understood their heartache and struggles and longing to join the exclusive parent club that seemed to come so easily for everyone on MTV and E!
But here's what no one really talks about when you are now in your 30's and still unmarried and it feels impossible to even imagine that you will ever earn entry into the parent club: your heart will break a little every time a 22 year old gets a ring on her finger and yours is still stark empty.
No one seems to take into account the heartache that comes with being a 30-something and unmarried.
Actually, no one seems to take into account the hurt that comes with a friend or family member telling you that you might be just too picky. Or worse, that they know of someone who finally found her right match in her 60's. (True story...did happen to me in March...and I nearly threw up right there in the middle of a party.) Or that they would never want to wait until 35 to have children. (True story...happened this week and about every six months...conversation curse of having young friends.)
When I find out friends are engaged, I am very sincerely excited for them. Ditto on babies. I think both are such blessings in life. When I offer my congratulations, it is honest and from the heart.
And I have learned to live my life and be happy without certain dreams coming true. No one ever tells me to hold on to my dreams these days. They stopped saying shit like that several years ago. They know that some girls have to give up on dreams and just live in reality.
But it still stings when I find out a 22 year old becomes engaged. Not because she doesn't deserve it (though I do think that's way too young), but because I am more than a decade past that point and no where near being in that same position.
In a little more than seven months I will be 35. The point where women don't want to have babies. And less than 30 years from possibly finding my right match.
I feel so very left behind.
Even when I am happy, which I am most of the time, I still know that my biggest goal each day needs to be learning to honestly let go of dreams. And hoping that the rest of the world will be a little more sensitive to the plight of the habitually single, un-married, no hope of ever becoming a mother because science will label her as old in a few weeks woman.
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15 comments:
I just wrote a blog post on this very topic. I didn't get married until I was 34 and half of my bridal party was divorced or getting a divorce or unhappy in their current situation. I have words of wisdom other than what my mom always told me: be patient God always has a plan.
Hugs
I completely understand & identify with everything you said; I got married at 29, so I was pretty late on that, but the baby thing is a really big issue for me right now, especially after being married more than 4 years & constantly getting "When are y'all going to have one?" And there are other circumstances and issues for me, but the end result is feeling very lost and left behind. I don't have any good advice on how to handle it other than to just say at least you're not one of the many our age who's divorced 1 or 2 times already; I think you're much smarter for deciding to be happy on your own than for trying to force something just because it's what you're "supposed" to do. And anyone who says you're too picky is probably someone who's settled for less than they should have more than once in their life, because otherwise they'd know that choosing who to spend your life with is NOT the place to compromise what you want and need. Just know that you're not alone, and lots of hugs.
Just tried to leave a comment and it erased it! Errr...
My first comment was A LOT longer, but don't feel like typing it all again. Just know that I am right there with you and feel the same way!
I would like to thank you for writing this post. I am reading it on the day that the man who asked me to marry him is marrying someone else; it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I appreciate so much that you articulated that a girl can be both genuinely happy for their friends and also experience pangs of disappointment at the same time. For now, I hug my Pug and pray my preppy prince is out there somewhere looking for a pastel and Pug loving girl.
This is an amazing post and one I have never had the guts to write myself. Being single has turned me into someone not worthy these days to be invited to do things by most and I am not going to lie it has me down a lot lately. One friend is determined I am going to join one of those dating sites while it scares me they don't seem to get it.
I can empathize little bit as I was always worried about this. I am sorry this happens to you as I am sure it is hurtful. I believe that God has a plan for everyone and yours is unfolding everyday. I hope it unfold exactly the way yo ant it to very soon and I will pray for that!
I LOVED your story about the fancy pillow tent!!!!! I too call my blog peeps my friends. We are on vacation right now and Paige from Simple Thoughts is here too and we are going to meet!!! So glad you got cooled off and had a margarita. Did you get in one of the beds???
Love your honesty. I have been talking with Karen (in our pledge class) and a neighbor down the street and I think they are both in the same boat. Sometimes as a friend with a husband and 1 child you don't know what to say so its neat to read something written honestly from that perspective. Kelly's Korner blog does a singles link-up on Sept. 21 I am putting my neighbor on it through my blog because she has had 4 marriages come out of it (millions of readers) always trying to help think of other ways to hook friends up:)
Salaam! Greetings from UAE.
I always read your blog and I can relate to most of what you are writing about your past, the funny things, about the friend you gave up having, and this last one touches my heart so dearly. I love that you're always honest and completely letting your emotions be felt by everyone / by us your readers. Thank you! May be this was told to you a million times or more, but let me just say it once again with all love and prayers, have FAITH, GOD ALWAYS HAS A PLAN especially for wonderful lady like you. They didn't call it SINGLE BLESSEDNESS for nothing..Hugs and kisses... ~margot
Oh girl, I was I could just give you a BIG hug. I've been there. I just got married at almost 32. And, two of my friends both have two kids and one is divorced, and the other just recently remarried.
Don't compromise or settle. You only live once!!!!
Biiiiiiiig hug! Not sure if I can say the right words, but I don't blame you for wincing a little. But I will say, do NOT give up on those dreams! You are AMAZING in every way possible. You make the world a little happier, at least my world anyway :) It's perfectly OK to have bad days or weeks or years. The best years are yet to come!
hey I forgot to say that I live near Blowing Rock, NC and there is a Lily store there and now since I read your blog I totally thought about you when I went in and looked at some of their stuff.:)
Big hugs, sweet friend. I know very much the pain of feeling left behind. And I know I'm guilty for saying the wrong things to you at times - so feel free to give me a virtual slap anytime!
Best words I can give you are the ones that have helped me. Faith is believing in what you can't see in front of you. It's easy to give up on our dreams when we see no way for them to come true. But I challenge you to put your trust and your focus on God, having peace in the fact that he put this desire in your heart and wants what's best for you.
In periods of wait, I've learned it's best to look up instead of toward what we're after. Don't just believe in God, but believe He is who He says He is. And that's where we put our hope.
Love you, girl! It ain't over, but I know your pain is very real and I continue to pray for you.
Wonderful post. :)
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