Saturday, November 11, 2017

Winter Blues: Struggling With Mental Health and Missing Sadie

Dear Sadie,

I've really struggled this week.  More than I have in ages.  Gasping for breath from crying so hard and telling you that I love you and just hoping against all hope that you can hear me.

You were more than just my fur baby.  You were my best friend and buffer from all the negativity in the world.  You gave me a reason to get up every morning and keep a routine every day.  You were a constant, daily source of sweetness and giggles.  You listened to my secrets and kissed away my tears.  I made millions of mistakes as your momma but you never once stopped loving me.

You taught me how to love and be loved.

A man, who I still can't figure out how I know, came up to me on Tuesday and asked me how my Sheltie was doing.  You.  He asked about you.  I said you passed away a year and half ago and he seemed shocked.  He mentioned seeing my dad, your Poppy, walking you for me and how sweet you were.

All this time later and you are still leaving the loveliest impression on people.  You were the very best little baby bunny!

As much as I miss you, I know that part of my emotional struggle this week has been the sudden change in weather.  It's quickly turned very cold and very gloomy here and even an amazing election night hasn't been enough to pull me out of my funk.  Between the darkness and coldness and looming holiday season, I feel like I am treading water just to breathe.  

I hate this feeling so much.  

I feel heavy, sad, and incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin.  I'm unsettled and foggy.  But also exhausted.  

When you were here, our routine would keep me on track.  Three walks a day at a minimum.  Pets and cuddles and conversations and meals.  

You saved my sanity.  And I owe you the world.  

But what the hell do I do now, without you here?

Not a day has gone by in the one year and six months since we gave each other our final kisses that I haven't missed you.  Not one day has passed without me thinking of you and sending up love to you.  And not many days have gone by in a row without me shedding at least a few tears.  

You were and will forever be my very best baby bunny.  And I am so grateful for all of our years together!

But for all of my preparation for your death, I never figured out how to make this part, the all consuming, gut twisting, heart stopping, breath blocking, body shaking pain of missing you, go away.  

Six months until spring.  Six months of darkness and gloominess.  I know I can do it.  I know I can grit and bear it.  Because I did it without you last year.  I just might need a friendly reminder now and then though.  Because I can feel myself slipping into that dark, quiet headspace.  And that scares the crap out of me.

Six months.  Saying that feels weighty.  Expect me to talk to you incessantly, Sadie.  But I'll find my way back to spring.  And smiles.  

I really miss you, sweet girl!  But I know you're on the best side of this life.  So live it up and eat bowls of whipped cream and run and leap all day and take naps in the sunshine.  

I love you and miss you to the ends of the earth!

XO Momma

1 comment:

MCW said...

Hopefully this winter brings you lots of warmth and sunshine! xo


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