Wednesday, October 11, 2017

National Coming Out Day: Proud To Be Bisexual

It's 2017 and time to stop allowing people I'll never meet and beliefs to which I do not subscribe to play a role in my personal life.  They no longer get to factor into my self worth or my ability to feel comfortable living truthfully.  It's exhausting and humiliating and demoralizing to try to pretend for the sake of strangers.  And as one woman once upon a grainy camera phone so eloquently put it, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I've written and re-written this post at least 20 times over the past several years.  In the end though, I deleted every last word.  For a million rational and irrational reasons, it just never felt right.

I've also recorded several videos for Instagram and YouTube, thinking that might be a better fit.  Which it definitely wasn't.  So those never saw the light of day.

I'm honestly not sure if now feels right either.  The world has taken a dark turn over the past year.  Hate is rampant and rights are fading away.

But I am out in my normal life and it just feels all kinds of wrong to be in on this blog.  I hate that I feel like I have to hide.  I hate that I feel like I am not good enough.  I don't want to feel like I have to filter myself.

Many moons ago, this blog was well read, but these days, it's more of a tight-knit community.  So if that's the case, let's cozy up on the sofa, shoes off, beverage of choice in hand, phones down.  Let's really get intimate and honest.  Let's drop the facade and be vulnerable. 

I'm definitely not straight.

I'm also definitely not gay.

I'm in the giant pool of fabulous humans somewhere in between the two.  On a spectrum.  

If you were sitting in front of me, I would tell you I am Bisexual.  Because that gets me to the end of the always awkward and nerve wracking conversation faster.  

If you were a bit more versed on LGBTQ+ topics, I would tell you that I am Pansexual.  Because if I do have to pick a label, that one feels like it fits the best.

But because we are shoes off and two glasses of bourbon into this conversation, I'll be honest and say none of those feel right.  I'm just me.  Gender isn't a deciding factor in attraction for me.  Many, many of other things are.  Because just like you, regardless of how you identify, I have plenty of preferences.  I'm definitely not attracted to every single person I meet.  What a ridiculous notion!  My specific likes and dislikes just don't include any specific gender.  That's not on my list.  If it's on yours, great.  For me though, I can have an attraction to more than one gender.  

It took me a long time to come to terms with who I am though.

I've read story after story and watched video after video of people who knew at very young age that they were different.  But I never knew that.  Or who felt an attraction to a best friend in their teen years. But I never did.  Or felt tortured as a teen trying to force something that wasn't there.  But I never experienced that either.  My only real clue that I brushed off as meaningless has been my few and far between dream life.  I've not had many dreams about being married but since I was young, every dream I have had of that nature {maybe a single handful}, has been me marrying a woman. 

I never struggled to understand being gay because for me, it was the same as being straight in that you were attracted to a specific gender.  This always made sense to me as a kid.  I knew though, that I wasn't gay.  Because I had attractions to the opposite gender.  

I was in college before I learned that one could be bisexual.  And I will be honest that it took a while to grasp that it wasn't a...wait for it...choice.  It has nothing to do with picking a side.  We don't choose to feel attracted.  There's nothing to be chosen.  It is just as valid and real as any other sexuality.  Attraction is about so much more than any single aspect of a human. 

That said, it still took me most of my 20's to figure out who I was and how any of this applied to me.  And then painfully, slowly, one by one, I found the courage to come out to friends and family.

Every time I look back on coming out talks, which will happen forever until I die so it's a good thing I am a lot less fussy about it these days, I am so relieved.  To date, not a single important person in my life has walked away from me.  Not one.  I've surprised 100% of the people I've told, but every single one has given me nothing but love.

Can you believe that?  

I don't want to casually come out without acknowledging the heavy role this played in my life for an incredibly long time.  It was an enormous struggle to accept myself when I lived in fear of losing everything around me.  It was a tough road and a long process.  And then another huge struggle to feel safe enough to come out, especially living here in a rather conservative land.  When I transferred from the DC chapter of the JL to the one I joined up here, I was told that I couldn't participate in things because I lived in the wrong town, wasn't married, didn't have kids, and was too old.  I was told point blank by the person who took over for me after I walked away that there was no room for gay people in that chapter and the one suspected member should keep quiet or quit.  All the while, I knew I was nothing but wrong according to this organization.  It ate at me and played the biggest role in me keeping my secret longer.

Fear of being hated is real and rational.  All you have to do is watch the news to see it play out every single day in large and small ways.  And that fear turns into an internal toxic muck.  It eats at a human who is trying so hard to be right on the outside while hiding what they are told by society is wrong on the inside.

I carry a lot of shame for not knowing sooner.  I carry a lot of shame for not coming out sooner.  I carry a lot shame that I could feel so free to vocalize my general support of the LGBTQ+ community but didn't include myself in that dialogue.  

Today though, that ends.  I'm the B.  I'm part of the bigger picture.  I'm on team rainbow.  And it's pretty awesome!  

So if you're wondering how this will change my probably won't.  Because I'm the same KK who has been rambling on and on for over a decade.  But I might be more gender specific with dating stories.  Or not.  Hard to say as I am pretty proud at how good I've become over the years at using gender neutral pronouns without anyone noticing.  

I wanted to grow my blog up and this was exactly what I had in mind.  If we're going to be friends, we need to be real friends.  And real friends know that I've dated both men and women.  Real friends know that and don't love me anyway, rather they just love me.  As I love them.  

Happy National Coming Out Day!  This day shall set me free!



KatiePerk said...

Whoop! I enjoy your blog and look forward to more posts. Love is love.

Flo said...

Good for you! I can't imagine how hard it was to write this, but I'm glad that you did. I wish we lived in a world where it didn't matter to so many people. Just let everyone be happy!

cancersucks said...

So proud of you! Thanks for sharing your story!

MCW said...

So happy that you aren't hiding from your blogger friends anymore. Love is love is love...and I hope you find it soon!!! xoxo

Landlocked Mermaid said...

I'm sooo proud so of you and so happy for you. You are beautiful inside and out and the world now knows the best KK. Your stories are worth telling and hearing xoxox love is love and you are loved xoxoxo

WittyPeach said...

In awe of your courage to speak your truth. You are so loved and nothing will change that fact. Kisses and hugs from across the pond! Xx-Kathleen.

JulesTX said...

Thanks for sharing and trusting us. Your blog family will always have your back.

Living Life in the Lowcountry said...

Yes, to feeling comfortable enough to share this with us! I loved your YouTube video too! XO


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