Thursday, February 16, 2017

Things Are Getting Scary: Late Night Anxiety Attack

I had an anxiety attack very late last night.  While in the midst of what I call my spiral {because that's what it feels like to me} at 2 AM, I was bopping from fear to fear, some rational, some not.  I think, though, that the real crux of my problem is our current President.

I know I said I wanted to refrain from being political, but I also said I wanted to grow this blog up.  And if that means talking about dating or sex or grief or fears or mental health or politics or anything else gritty and unglamorous, well then that's what I am going to talk about.  Being up at 1, 2, and 3 in the morning crying so hard that I can't catch my breath is not something I am choosing to gloss over anymore.

Now listen, everything concerns me.  But right now, my big panic is stemming from two things: first the constant lies that are so blatant and proven almost as soon as the words come out of his mouth, and second {and this is the biggest one for me}, the severe censoring of the media coverage.  Refusing to answer any questions from any media source that isn't pro White Nationalist and pro pandering is insane.  

We're not even over the first month hump, y'all.  If this is how things are rolling out in the first 26 days, what the heck is going to happen in the next 26 months?  Will it even be legal for me to say this stuff on a blog?  {That's not me being this point it's a pretty valid question.}

Two months ago my biggest personal fear was losing my health insurance.  As someone who is self-employed, the Affordable Care Act has been life-saving.  I went so many years without any insurance at all because it was just too expensive to justify.  Let me be clear that when one does not posses insurance, one does not go to the doctor for years on end either.  And the shame that still comes from admitting that is enormous.  

I'm sure I'll lose what I have now and I am sure I will not be able to afford to replace it.  

But that's just so low on my list of concerns.  I feel silly even noting it.  That's the American reality and we will all just deal with what comes on that front.

Realizing that this man in charge {and all who are in that creepy white man inner circle} is likely doing so many illegal deals and not at all being held accountable, is making me sick.  Physically sick.  

It is so far past party politics at this point.  Why are there still only two Republicans though who are brave enough to speak out?  Is perceived power that important to you that you would put your entire country and possibly the world at risk just to get some sort of fancy dinner invite?  

Don't answer that. 

How low and for how long will we have to sink before people grow a vagina {those birth babies...those are strong...those are what we need right now!} and DO THE RIGHT THING?  How much damage are people willing to overlook for just the possibility of personal gain?  

What upsets me today when I think about last night is that I have been on a pretty good streak lately.  And yesterday was a pretty good day where I ticked things off my list and had fun conversations with people and smiled and ate well and did yoga.  It wasn't one of those days that we all have that just sort of start off one the wrong foot and everything goes awry.  It was by most accounts, a normal and good day.  

But I still found myself in a full on anxiety attack that took hours to come down from enough to fall asleep.

If that's possible on a good day, what might happen on one of those bad days that we all have because we're humans and bad days just happen in life?  What happens then?  

This post is losing all semblance of structure but I think I am just going to leave it as is and hit publish.  The rules for everything have changed.  This is the reality of what is happening in my head and heart right now.  I'm scared.  It consumes me.  Even on good days.  And just like you, I'm trying my best to figure it all out.

If you made it this far, I'd love to know if you can in any way relate?  Have you ever dealt with anxiety?  Or do you share my fears over the current political happenings?  And if you don't share my anxieties or fears, what gives you the most hope right now?  I'd love to know!

Big hugs, sweet friends! 


MCW said...

How has been less then a month! It feels like FOREVER.
I had a dream the other night that Trumpster tweeted about how bad Ledo's pizza was (my all time favorite) and that they shut down. So bizarre.

Living Life in the Lowcountry said...

You are not alone! I have had nightmarish dreams almost every night for the past month! I've never had this happen before and it really freaks me out! I also have anxiety issues and haven't had a full blown attack but some days I feel like a big one is coming!
I accidentally saw part of his press conference, and I use that term loosely, yesterday and just wanted to scream!
Hang in there! Surely he won't last much longer.

Landlocked Mermaid said...

You are not alone. This is a scary time. But I have this deep seeded belief that his world will come crumbling down. I see it falling apart and him collapsing in the middle of it. Yes, he's only been in power a month and yes all of it has been awful. He has not a clue what he is doing but you cannot let him rob your joy. You have a beautiful life you've built. And so much to be joyful about. Take a break from the news. Read some fun blogs and do your yoga. Listen to a happy podcast, get into a good book. This is not to say that you aren't paying attention and that you aren't resisting and persisting but there are things you cannot control. Be brave and keep up what you are doing. Love you so much and I know what you are feeling. xoxxo It is a hard time xoxo

VanIslandGirl said...

I have had serious bouts of generalized anxiety. I went from an extroverted someone that graduated in the top of my law school to someone who spent an hour agonizing over a simple email while clenching my toys automatically and avoiding eye contact. I found antidepressants helped in combination with CBT and progressive muscle relaxation. The PMT helps at night because it helps push out the anxious thoughts with practice. That said, I am a Canadian. I am distressed by what is going on down south, can't imagine how hard it is for you. Hope you find something to help you - sleep is so necessary.


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