Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Adventures In Dating: Married With Threesomes

Dating in your thirties isn't for the faint of heart.  Nothing about it is carefree or relaxed.  It's a business transaction.  You exchange pleasantries and bullet point biographies while trying to get to the other party's bottom line over coffee or drinks, just as you would in a boardroom or club house.  I'm only half kidding when I say that these skills should be listed on my resume.  Because...same.

But even the most skilled dater can find themselves in a surprising situation now and then.  

Like the time that I had two dates on the same day, at the same Starbucks, several hours apart.  Date number two that day was this one with Goth.  Let's all take a deep breath as we shake our collective heads and remember that hour of awkward.  

But this story is about date number one that day.  

It was a warm, sunny, spring day.  I was at such a low point on the heels of break up and dealing with a dying dog.  I thought I was being efficient by setting up two dates on the same day, as I had a few others that same week.  I was trying to streamline the process.

Here's how it went...

This date and I had talked a bit beforehand, but not a ton.  They seemed okay but I wasn't super sold on the dating profile.  When asked if we could meet, I agreed because in my zillion years on the dating scene, my biggest piece of advice is to meet right away.  So we were meeting for a lunch coffee.  Which is a perfect way to keep it brief.

My date seemed nice right off the bat but something felt uneasy on my end.  I couldn't put my finger on it though.  My date got my iced tea and we picked a cute table outside to enjoy the unseasonably warm air.  Immediately upon sitting down, my date tells me they haven't felt well and are having tummy troubles.  {There is just no non awkward way to bring up stomach issues into a conversation with a stranger.}  I of course felt sympathetic and offered to reschedule but date said that since we were already there, we should just go for it.  And go for it, we did.  

In the first five minutes after that, I heard all about how much my date enjoys threesomes and had them all the time with their ex, who isn't entirely an ex as they are still married, but live in separate states and have been living this way for like four years and are now besties and plan to remain as such for the foreseeable future because of taxes.  They still see each other now and then, but it's all good.  And do I like threesomes? would you reply to all of that?  Because I did a lot of Um...well and and then stumbled all over myself.  

I am probably coming off as being judgmental here but it's not entirely true.  What consenting adults do in their free time is their own business.  

My shock was first that none of this was disclosed on Married's dating profile.  I have seen so many dating profiles of people married and in open relationships or married and looking to cheat.  It's pretty common and I appreciate it because I can swipe left if that's not my jam {it's not...that's actually a big one for me}.  I've also started talking to dating prospects who then let me know, hey I'm married and we're in an open relationship so that I can say best of luck to you and go on my merry way.  I was shocked to get all the way to the first in person date with Married before I found this all out.  

My second wave of shock was that this is what my life had come to.  How have I managed to get to age 38 and am still trending water in this damn, dwindling dating pool?  I had just left a relationship with a lying, cheating, alcoholic and five minutes in, my date tells me they are married and not monogamous.  

I played it as cool as I could manage and just politely told Married that those weren't my cup of tea.  We talked about work a bit and I offered some advice.  And then I cut it short.  There was just no need to let this drag out any longer.  When Married reached out that evening, I never replied.  And the world kept spinning. 

I've got to make 2017 better.  Because while it's all incredibly funny now {this story plus the Goth story that happened a few hours later are real favorites with my friends...and who can blame them...this $hit is pretty darn funny}, I'm ready for my love life to be a bit less hysterical at a cocktail party. Like...enough...really and truly....I'm ready for fewer dating horror stories, please!



MCW said...

This is probably my favorite dating story of all time.

Flo said...

That definitely sets the stage for one majorly awkward dating moment! I have a friend who is single and looking--the stories she tells would curl your hair. You just never know anymore. Good luck!


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