Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Owning My Truth

We met a year ago.  From the beginning with you, it was a web of lies.  From the beginning with me, it was a sea of sincerity.

I'm not trying to paint myself as a saint here.  Truly.  But I put kindness to you above everything else in my life because I believed in you.  I believed you were a good person.  I believed you needed support.  I believed you had good intentions.  I believed you loved me.

Every time I suspected something was off, you would make me feel such shame for the mere suggestion.  You were cruel for the sake of being cruel.  You were full of lies, manipulation, and hate towards me.

But I wouldn't know it for many months to come.  So when you introduced me to your family as your girlfriend, I wouldn't know for another six or more months that you were talking to someone else that night.  While your left hand was on my leg, your right hand was texting another girl.  

You were so horrible to me that night.  But I felt trapped.  So I stayed.  I thought if I just loved you more ways and for more days, you would give me kindness in return.

Fast forward to a few days ago...

Other than the occasional moments of sadness, I don't think about you much these days.  But I was talking to a good friend this past {dreary, lazy} Saturday and said the following...

It's 2PM and I am still in my pajamas.  I have no reason why I can't at least do an easy yoga video but so far today, I've done little more than drink coffee and be lazy.  If I can't make myself get on a yoga mat today, I don't know why I ever thought I could make someone stop drinking, stop lying, stop cheating, stop manipulating, stop hurting me, stop hurting themselves, deal with their demons, take responsibility and feel truly sorry for their actions, and put away their damn laundry!  I can barely change myself, what the hell was I doing thinking I could ever change someone else?!

This was just a tiny part of our conversation and it wasn't even focused on you or this topic specifically.  But right there in the middle of casual girl talk, I had a very Oprah ah-ha moment.  It didn't even fully hit me until the next day.  And that's when I realized, I will never get closure.  I won't ever hear you sober and sorrowful.  While that's sad, it's also in a strange way, a different kind of closure.  Owning my truth, I do believe, just set me free.

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