Thursday, September 15, 2016

Feeling Off




I've not been myself the past few weeks.  Nothing major, just little things that have come up and made me take note.  I'm still trying to figure it out.

I've told you how I don't sleep well.  Before Sadie died, going back to my toddler years, I couldn't get to sleep.  I went to doctors and therapists for this as it was a pretty big issue.  And I don't mean I was a kid who complained about bedtime or snuck out of bed to play.  No, no, no.  I just couldn't physically fall asleep.

It's all I have known though until four months ago.  When my issue became staying asleep.  An entirely new sleep issue for me.  

I'm big fun, y'all!

So now I am insanely tired all day, every day.  I do get a heck of a lot done before the sun rises many days, so I try to make the most out of these early mornings.  But I just crash in the evenings.  I can typically fall asleep easily {though not always...and this week...not at all}, but I can't stay asleep.  I am awake at all the hours.  All of them.  And a few nights a week, add in there weird dreams and often nightmares.  

Even when I do get sleep, I wake up flipping exhausted.  I would pay good money for a pill that would let me sleep without dreaming for just one night.  

So back to me feeling off.  

I'm off, but I am also exhausted.  

All of this is to say I am figuring a few things out.  Prioritizing.  Re-grouping.  But also, drinking copious amounts of coffee.  

This post is all over the place so let me just say that this has been an incredibly hard year for me, personally.  And I am still working though those emotions.  The thing that I credit with sort of saving my sanity this year, is gardening.  If you follow me in Instagram, you know it's all I talk about.  Because that focus has been my lifeline in a life that no longer includes my Sadie.  But fall got here today.  It's not that I dislike fall.  I love a lot about it, actually.  But it feels like the long walk to my doom as it precedes winter.  And while there are pretty winter days, the winter blues are real.  I am scared out of my mind how I will handle being alone without my Sadie and without a garden distraction this winter.  My anxiety is at a new level of high right now just thinking about all the grey days being inside.  

So in conclusion, I'm tired and anxious and feeling very off.  But I'm trying to focus on the things I can change and start there.  Adulting isn't for the faint of heart, that's for sure!

Tell me about your week.  Anything good, bad, or in between going on?  

1 comment:

MWH said...

I dream like crazy and wake up a couple times a night to go to the bathroom. I wish I got uninterrupted sleep too!

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