Sunday, May 15, 2016

Middle Of The Night Musings: The Eve Of Our Forever Goodbye

Dear Sadie,

It's nearly 4AM and in just a few short hours I will have to say my final goodbye to you.  

I wish I knew what was behind the next door.  But I honestly don't.  I have never once lied to you and I won't start now.  So I keep telling you that if any part of the stories are true, you will get to see Bailey again the minute you cross over that Rainbow.  And my Grandpa.  And all the best human and puppy souls who crossed before you.  And I will try my hardest to earn a ticket to one day see you again too. I hope so deeply that this is what lies in front of you in a few hours.  No one deserves forever ear rubs and belly rubs and games of Chase Sadie and treats of bacon than you.  

I keep praying and as always, it starts with "If you're real God..." And then I beg and plead for you to be at peace and for this to be the right decision.  I sneak in a prayer or 200 for me to find peace too.  Because every decision I have made for the past 14 years has included you.  I have no idea how to walk this earth without you in it next to me.  You are my best friend and soul mate.  I feel lost and terrified just thinking about living a minute without you.

I am sitting in a dark room typing this and staring down at you on the floor.  You have struggled to find rest and sleep in the last 24 hours, but you are finally sleeping now.  And you are so beautiful.  So adorable.  Every day for the past 14 years I have said to you, "Oh my gosh you got cuter overnight!  How is that possible?!"  And I meant it.  Every night I went to bed and you were the single most adorable creature ever, and every morning I woke up and you managed to put yesterday's cuteness to shame.  You're amazing!

Last night my dad, your Poppy, and I took you on a long walk.  A walk we have taken thousands of times.  Poppy wasn't sure we should do it as you could barely walk, but I knew that I needed it just one last time.  So we put you in the stroller and walked over to the park.  I got you out and all the kids came running up to you {We know everyone and they all adore you.  You are the most gentle love with kids!}.  I said you were really sick and asked them not to pet you though.  I don't think you even noticed them.  But you managed to walk about a block, sniffing all the grass along the way.  I let you sniff and taste and do whatever you wanted and you had fun.  I then gently tucked you back in your stroller {you and I both just adore that thing!  It has been our saving grace over the past many summers when walking long distances become a struggle}, zipped up the top and off we went.  I walked extra slow as this is a city and city sidewalks are uneven and bumpy.  When we got to our favorite church garden, that I have forever referred to as your church garden, I strolled you in and unzipped the stroller.  I took a few teary photos and you didn't even lift your head beyond resting it on the unzipped stroller mesh.  That's how we used to stroll until you went rogue one horrible day late last summer when you flipped yourself out of the stroller and landed on your back.  You were unharmed but I still can't shake that terror so every stroll since has been fully zipped in.  We didn't want to move you though so Poppy walked next to you and I just pushed so slowly.  

It was such a blessing!  Your final walk was just the way you used to walk, head resting on the mesh and taking in your city and sights.  You were so weak but I could tell you loved it.  It gave me a lot of joy, too.

Sadie, you are my everything.  You taught me selfless love.  You taught me how to always put another's needs before my own.  You taught me what I need to work on improving.  You gave me unconditional love, even if I was a jerk.  You kissed away tears and gave the best cuddles.  For a few years when I would let you sleep with me, you hogged the bed.  I only half complained because I secretly loved it.  You traveled up and down the east coast with me- you have been to Georgia to see Bestie {hey you get to see Charlie tomorrow!}, to Charleston for Lauren's wedding, you went all over DC, MD and VA with me, and all over Upstate NY.  We grew up together.  You took such good care of me.  

I love you, baby bunny.  I know I keep crying over you but please be at peace and run off into your next chapter with a waggy tail and confidence that more love and care is around the corner for you.  You will be in my heart forever.  We are soul mates, there's no bones about it!

All my love,


Unknown said...

Sorry for your loss-- I just lost my girl on Thursday (congestive heart failure- breaks my heart)--- was a rough weekend and still cried this am. At least we know they are in a better place without the pain and struggles they were going thru with us. Wishing you much peace <3

MCW said...


MaggieMcCurdy said...

No words, just hugs. XO

cancersucks said...

Sending love and prayers!


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