Sunday, March 27, 2016

I Am Not Worthless. Abusive Relationships Do Not Define Me.

Dear TGE,

I was kind to you when you didn't deserve my kindness.  You hurt me and lied to me and used me and then left me.  But I was still kind to you.

I never yelled or got mad.  I was calm and sympathetic and just listened.  I listened and listened and listened.  I didn't judge.  I remained your friend.  I was kind.

I stood by your side.  You stood me up over and over.  But I continued to support you and befriend you.  I didn't have to.  I was getting nothing out of it.  But you needed a friend.  I looked past our past. I was kind.

Support turned into more support.  I never judged.  You were not a good friend back.  Here and there, yes.  But never the type of friend that I was to you.  Our relationship was very one sided.  You were in a bad season and I knew this was the right thing to do.  I was kind.

You stood me up nine times in a row.  NINE.  But I remained your friend.  I worried about you and thought about you and reached out to you.  I did what I could to lift you up and encourage you.  I was kind.

I held your hand.  I gave you hugs.  I made you laugh.  I went out of my way to talk to you during the day.  I was kind.

We grew into friends.  But even at our best, it was very uneven.  I gave and gave.  I thought I was being a good friend.  I was kind.

Friendship became more.  I was scared.  Our timing was way off.  I explained this to you six way to sunrise.  But my opinion never mattered to you.  At the time I thought you were just super into me.  Now I know better.  It was more about you being right and your jealousy issues than anything else.  If only I knew then what I know now.  

Hearts grew.  It took me longer to get there than you.  Because there were flags right and left.  I ignored them and let you talk me out of them every time.  I was so scared to lose you again that I ignored what I knew was the best course of action.  Over and over again I put myself and my feelings aside.  There was only room for one person in this relationship to matter and it was never once me.  

I was promised slow.  But you lied.  I was promised forever friendship.  But you lied.  I was promised wooing and romance.  But you lied.  I was promised kindness and care and attention.  But you lied.  

Grumpy attitudes would eventually turn into mean and very hurtful behavior.  You became verbally and emotionally abusive.  You would begrudgingly apologize but I knew in my gut that you weren't sorry.  You were just sorry you had to have the conversation.  That is, when you would even allow the conversation.  Because you found them inconvenient.  You were forever tired or mad at a friend or unhappy at work or sick or sad or angry or tired or tired or tired.  

I would always have to let things go.  Because I was never invited to this relationship party.  It was about you and only you.  Even on my Dark Day.  You were cruel and you knew it.  But you didn't care.  It gave you some sort of boost to act that way towards me.  Pathetically, I was still kind.

I was mistreated and hurt ever day after.  You were mean for the sake of being mean.  You were nice to others.  Even someone who just days before you claimed to "hate."  But when it came to me, a switch flipped and you were incredibly unkind.  It brought you pleasure.

It all culminated in a night of horror for me.  I thought you were gone.  I  was terrified and crying at what I saw.  I then thought you were hurt.  I tried so hard to help.  I tried to give you care.  You were hate-filled and venomous towards me.  You said the most horrific things.  You yelled.  You accused me.  You called me names.  You blamed me.  You told me I am worthless.

But I stayed.  I took care of you.  I was kind.

We've not talked about it though.  It hasn't been convenient for you.  It hasn't been convenient for you to send me a kind text or call with a kind voice either.  You make time to call and text others.  So it's not that the time or motivation or nice intentions don't exist in you.  They clearly do.  They just don't exist for me.  Because to you, I am worthless.  And worse.  So much worse.  Which of course you claim to conveniently not remember.

I sacrificed a lot for you and for us.  I cancelled plans, turned down offers, pushed loved ones aside, and continually ran to help you.  Even though you would continue to cancel plans on me, say and act cruel, and never ever do one thing to remedy a situation.

You are abusive.  To yourself and those you date.  You know this.  It's not new news.  But you are not doing anything to get better.  You're not doing a single thing!  And you don't want to do a single thing.  You are drowning in emotional quicksand.  Or to use the analogy I used long ago with you, you are drowning in a damn kiddie pool surrounded by lifeguards and strong adults and hello, it's only three inches deep and you could just effing stand up.  But you are choosing to drown.  You are choosing to remain an abuser to yourself and to me and to others down the road.

I am a shell of the person I once was.  You continue, even now, to kick me when I am down.  You are mean and you are not inclined to stop.  Your daily reminders to me that I mean nothing to you have sucked the life and joy from my world.

I can't go on.  I can't listen to you tell me about all your fun chats with everyone else as you are harsh and thoughtless towards me.    

I might always be worthless to you.  I might always be all of those other horrible things you said too.  But there will be a day when I stand back up and find my smile.  You will not win.  You do not get to be my abuser for one day more.

I hope you get the help you need.  There are three big things you need to do.  You know what they are.  Doing one or two isn't enough.  It has to be all three for any of it to work.  You're currently not even doing one.  But you can do them.  You can get better.  You can find your way to a better place where you no longer abuse yourself and others.  Despite how hurt and heartbroken I am, I absolutely believe you deserve to get better.  You are worth it.

But we can no longer be a we.  I can't stay with someone who treats me this way.  You promised to protect me.  I never imagined I would need protection from you.  Even when all the flags were waving, I never imagined it would end like this.  I never imagined you would grow to hate me and enjoy hurting me.  

You will forever have a place in my heart.  I wish we could have the forever dream with the kids and soccer teams and big garden and all the other amazing things my heart still foolishly believes possible. I wish you still thought of me as your best friend and favorite person to talk to.  I am wracking my brain...was any of that ever true for you?  Was it all a lie from the get go?  I wish we could remain friends.  You promised me that over and over.  But you aren't even friendly to me when I am being kind beyond measure to you.  So many lies.  My heart is shattered.  But I will never stop caring about you.  I just can't continue to pretend it's OK to be in a relationship with someone who is never nice towards me.

I am not worthless.  I am kind.

*Written a while ago.  It took me a while to feel ready to publish this.*

4 comments:

MWH said...

Reading this breaks my heart for you. It pisses me off that this one took advantage and used you. He's doesn't deserve your friendship. At all. I don't have the right words. However, I know for a fact that you deserve more and that you will find that person who will be your best friend, protect you, put you first and be kind.

Maggie said...

You deserve better. It is better to be alone than to be "with" someone like this man. Sounds like a case of narcissistic personality disorder. So sorry you went through this experience. Sending hugs and prayers for your healing and your future.

Landlocked Mermaid said...

Oh sweetie !! This awful person doesn't deserve you. Continue to move forward and be good to yourself . Your time is coming you deserve all the love you have inside to be given right back to you Xoxox never settle and never give up xoxoxo I love you honey xoxo

MaggieMcCurdy said...

You are not worthless at all. I'm not going to lie, I had tears in my eyes while reading this. I second everything that MWH said above, you deserve someone who will treat you like gold, and I can just feel that a person like that is going to walk into your life when you least expect it. Stay strong and positive, even when it feels impossible.

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