Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Moving On From The Sad And Lonely Birthday

My birthday is my Dark Day.  For many reasons I've covered on here in the past, plus a few I've never elaborated on, my birthday is anything but happy.  It's by far the hardest day of my year.

This year though, a few months before my Dark Day, I was told that it was going to be different.  It was going to be changed from a Dark Day into a fun birthday weekend.

While I was completely skeptical for ages, I also secretly wanted {and really needed} this little day dream to play out.  I always want the fun birthday weekend.  Or even just a fun birthday day.  It just never happens.  Things go wrong.  People forget.  People are busy.  I get self-conscious so I don't ask for what I need or want.  I feel unworthy of being celebrated.  But this year, it had built up so big and so long for me that I did something I never ever let myself do.  I believed it would be a great weekend.  I believed that this year for the first time in decades I would have the elusive fun birthday celebration.  I believed I deserved smiles and selfies and being told a million times on repeat "Happy birthday!"

Damn if there weren't unforeseen circumstances.  A lot of them.  Big, stupid, frustrating, unpredictable circumstances.  Sick dog.  Sick people.  Hospital and doctor visits.  Fewer and fewer plans.  To the point of zero plans.  Not one plan happened.  What did happen were worries over health, tears over health, tears over my selfishness that I really wanted the birthday plans to happen, very grumpy attitudes, unkind words said, and a total lack of cheerful birthday wishes and celebrations.  

I tried hard to remedy part of the day by turning it around and spreading the kindness and thoughtfulness that I so desperately wanted to come my way.  Only to be totally rejected.  I was even brave and despite it making me feel so small to ask for this rather than it being offered unsolicited, I requested a rain check on the birthday plans.  

I am really the only one to blame here.  I know better than to expect too much, or really anything, on this Dark Day.  But dammit if this wasn't the first year in a lifetime that I was finally convinced that I deserved a little celebrating only to have it be my second worst birthday ever.  I think I cried a year's worth of tears yesterday.  I've never felt so low and lonely {only made worse by the fact that I had turned down another offer for the day}.  

This is, come hell or high water, my #yearofyes.  I am just hell bent on making changes and doing things that scare me and taking big chances and saying yes a lot.  It took a lot of courage for me to say yes to this birthday weekend.  It took a lot more courage for me to ask for a rain check even though I'm fairly certain it will never come to fruition.  I doubt it will even be remembered.  It took a lot of courage to admit all of this here on a public blog.  But I am so determined this year to not let the bad days bog me down.  They will come.  But I am certain great days will come too.  

For the next month, I am saying YES to myself, even if it means saying no to other people.  I'm determined to check another thing off my list.  As so many sweet lovies suggested on Instagram, I am going to let that dumb birthday day be my lowest day of the coming year.  So here's to moving upward and onward and saying yes to myself!

Have you had a bad birthday or disappointing weekend lately?  How did you pick yourself up and move on to bigger and better days?


VanIslandGirl said...

Oh, that really sucks! Sometimes the days you expect (or hope) to be the best are not. I hope you have more Light Days. And soon.

MCW said...

I have had some pretty crappy birthdays. A few years ago I had plans with a guy I was dating and the day before my birthday he broke up with me...over text message.

Sorry this birthday completely blew. Like I said on Intsa...make it the worst day of your year, things can only go up!

edgewood said...

A few years ago I reached out to you via a birthday package, the pink crocodile watch for your birthday. I have thought of your bday other years but I did not have a correct mailing address for you for other correspondence. I enjoy your honest blog and wish you a belated Happy Birthday and a prolific vegetable year.Lynn

MaggieMcCurdy said...

It is only going up from here. I know this is might sound strange, but each summer in the month of August my parents rent a house in (what I think!) is your neck of the woods (they love to visit the track!). We usually go up for a long weekend, I would love to get together and celebrate your half birthday with a fun lunch or dinner out if you'd be up for it! Give it some thought :)

Ruth said...

I hate your birthday didn't turn out well.


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