Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Getting What I Need, Instead Of What I Want

Several months ago a new human came into my life.  It was clear we were on a mutual path and all of the adorable flirting and sparks and "no, you're cuter" conversations ensued.  I was excited for the first time in a while.  I felt like we had something between us.  It felt different, interesting, and real.

Little things happened.  I convinced myself I was overreacting, then this human apologized, and the relationship ticked on.  

Until it ended.  With me sobbing on the sofa of poor District and Mr. District, who weren't exactly sure what to do with me.  

I was so hurt.  More hurt than I had felt in ages, which didn't make a ton of sense because other than exceedingly long conversations, it's not like this had been an intense and lengthy relationship.  

But the way it ended left me feeling so worthless.  Just completely void of value in the world.  How could someone so seemingly kind be so stingingly cruel?

I hated that I let myself get to a point that I felt this way.  I let go of the power over myself.  I shrared and let someone in, tasks which I do not come by easily.

A few days later though, I picked up my proverbial boot straps and moved on.  I set up a new date.  With someone so age inappropriate that it's embarrassing, but let's not dwell on that.  My point is, I got back on the horse.  Or whatever.  I did my best to learn from the past and try again.

I had been in the best mood for the better part of a week, thanks in large part to my new tolerance (love at this point is too strong of a word...just keeping things honest around here) of yoga.  And then one random morning I woke up with a sinking feeling that something was wrong with that human.  That person who had blocked me out of their life was just in the pit of my stomach.  Admittedly, I ignored it at first. And finally by late afternoon, I took a chance and reached out.  I simply said I hope all is well and I was there if needed.  

A few hours later, we were talking.  It was a 48 hour wave of confessions and stories and updates that I never expected.  There was so much gratitude on the other end of the phone towards me.  I had truly been sincere in offering friendship.  I'm not sure I realized quite how deeply I meant it at the time, but I really did intend to follow through.  

That was weeks ago.  And it feels like a lifetime ago.  

I never could have predicted the path our relationship would take when we first began conversing.  But I can say with complete sincerity that I am grateful for the solid friendship we have now.  We bring something fresh and different into each other's lives.  

While I wouldn't choose to repeat parts of our story, I would absolute want the end result to remain the same if given the opportunity to do it all over again.  I wanted a date, but it turns out I needed a friend more.  I am incredibly thankful for our twisted happy ending.  

To friendship and getting what we need, even when it's not what we think we want!


MaggieMcCurdy said...

So happy to see you posting, I hope it isn't a one off :)!. I'm sorry to hear about the roller coaster it sounds like you were on, there is nothing fun about navigating the tidal wave of emotions that come with breakups/makeups/life...

Hoping 2016 is off to a good start and give that Sadie a big old hug from her internet friends! XO!

Ruth said...

Yeah for you!

MCW said...

So proud of you for getting back on the horse! I think that is probably the hardest part after a dating disappointment. Are you using a website?

VanIslandGirl said...

Such a pretty picture. It can take time. I didn't get married until 37. Now I have the sweetest daughter. Good thoughts for you!


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