Monday, April 14, 2014

Dear Lindsay Lohan: Go Back To Rehab


Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I am honestly about out of things to say to you.  I mean, are you even remotely embarrassed by your behavior?  You are a bad excuse machine!  You have the worst attitude.  You're entitled and self-righteous and rude.  You have complete disregard for the time and finances of others.  And you just lie at every corner.

I have watched this show for over a month now thinking you would finally have a come to Jesus moment where you would see how insane you are and would shape up.  I really thought, albeit foolishly, that you would give the world insight into how motivated and talented and responsible you are after your latest rehab stint.  But you are honestly worse each week.  At this point the best thing I can say about the show is that it ends next week!  Can I get an Amen?!

What on earth did Momma #Oprah see in you?!

Here are my highlights...

* You had a two hour contract with the casino, for which you were to be paid $100.000.  The contract started at 10 PM and ended at 12 AM.  You didn't get to that red carpet, where your "work" started, until 11:30 PM.  But you think you fulfilled your contract and were on time?  Buy a damn watch!

* Your mother is writing a book.  And buy writing, I mean she has a ghost writer.  Who clearly is only doing this for the money because she is clearly annoyed with your family.  {Aren't we all?!}  Why does your mother need a ghost writer?  Does she not know how to type?

* The Elle Indonesia bit was priceless.  Do you have even an ounce of remorse for the money you cost the magazine because you were days late?  Does that weigh on you at all?  When I am 15 minutes late, I feel guilty.  You made this team, who flew two days across the globe to get to NYC, move the shoot back two days after sitting there waiting for you all day.  Then you were late on the re-shoot day, forcing non-daylight shots and adding a third day onto the agenda.  Then you refused to give the 20 minute interview.  Because YOU were so ill-behaved by being so stinkin' late over and over.

You were insanely disrespectful when you criticized the photographer at the end by saying he needed to learn not to rely on natural light.  If you had shown up on time, it never would have been an issue.  What he should learn is to never work with your unreliable fanny again!

But the most amazing scene came at the end when you made yourself the martyr for not getting credit as a co-stylist.  Your styling skillz were only needed because the clothes had to go back after you were days late to the gig.

{The second most amazing scene was when the director called you a bitch in Indonesian.  I laughed out loud on that one.  #highfive}

* So in the casino I Fulfilled My Contract bit you were all it's my first time around alcohol and I'm nervous.  But when it comes to hanging with friends, you're like it's totally fine to have friends drink in my house or at the clubs and it doesn't tempt me at all.  You claim that wanting NY nightlife leads you down a horrible path.  Then you say you can party and not drink.

You lie.  You make excuses.  You need rehab.  Like a real rehab.  Or boot camp.

* The scene where you filmed yourself crying...that was fake right?  It was weird and didn't make sense.  I bet the producers were like OMG fine whatever film yourself I hate this job and want to kill Momma Oprah for buying into your big bag of BS.

* If you love dancing, go to a dance class.  Put on music and dance around your giant apartment.  Dance down the street.  Go on Dancing with the Stars.  Don't go to an effing nightclub.  #dumb

* You were livid at Matt for not physically accosting that paparazzi guy.  And while that pap was certainly annoying, he wasn't doing anything wrong.  But it was Matt's job to steal his camera and tackle him?  And then you were livid at the driver for not running a red light.

So in review, you were yelling at people to break laws because you were having a hissy fit.  And said hissy fit could have been prevented if...say it with were on time for once!

Seriously...please tell me you are watching yourself and feel mortified by your behaviors!

The self-filmed, fake crying while gross smoking scene.

Lindsay, I do sincerely hope you get help.  Real, fluff-free help.  I hope you figure out who you are and realize the value in being responsible both for yourself and in the great big world.  Actual value comes into your life when you do things, even if very small, on your own, with integrity and without excuses.  Value that money can't buy and assistants can't source.  You don't seem dumb to me.  You just chose to act dumb and irresponsible.  You could just as easily chose to act smart and responsible.  And sugar, being smart is light years cooler than being an idiot!  #smartgirlsrule

One more week, y'all, and we can put this frustrating TV chapter to bed!

KK the Preppy Pink Crocodile

1 comment:

Casey said...

She doesn't want help. She wants to downward spiral until she kills herself because she thinks it'll make her the next Marilyn Monroe. She's just a big joke at this point. I say, let her do it, self-destruct, and put US out of OUR misery!


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