Dear Lindsay Lohan,
So I reviewed episode 1, episode 2 and episode 3, but then when it came to episode 4, I only watched part of it. PBS was starting the new season of both Mr. Selfridge and my very favorite, Call The Midwife. And well...PBS is pretty much always going to trump your hot mess of a show. So if there was an explanation of why Matt stayed on, I missed it. I sort of don't care enough to go back and watch.
I want to like you. I want to see that you are growing and learning and trying. I love an underdog and a comeback story. I'm just not sure I will see it during this show.
You both fascinate and bore me, Lindsay. And depress me a little bit too.
You bore me because you remain unchanged. Despite your expensive and expansive collection of helpers, you still can't get up before noon, brush your hair and wear a bra all on the same day. And any time you get called out on your bullshit, you play the I'm focused on staying sober card. But I don't think anyone could possibly believe you are at all focused on staying sober.
You fascinate me though because you never stop rambling. It's as if you think that if you just keep saying crap, something will stick and will be believed by someone else in the room. You claim want to show people you will show up to movie sets because being an actor is your passion in life. You ramble on and on about understanding how its hard for people to hire you because they fear you won't show up or will cancel dates or will be three hours late to set. And then you do that over and over with this no-brainer reality show. We saw you do it several times during this episode alone. So far we have seen you cancel four times as many things as you have followed through on. If you can't take a reality show seriously, how can anyone believe you will take projects that actually require effort seriously?!
The consignment store scene was a little scary. Compulsive shopping seems like a replacement high for alcohol. I seriously question the integrity of this "rehab" place you just spent months in. I don't understand how you can be allowed to shop and smoke, two highly addictive habits, when you are presumably fighting with all you have to break another addiction.
You also live this insane lifestyle, where I assume you are hemorrhaging money, but you are seriously talented at not paying for things. You talked about free designer clothes, you managed to get some of the consignment pieces on trade, this was the second episode where you talk about someone else paying for flights, and on and on. Add this to the list of reasons you fascinate me. I mean, you're not even a big star. You're a big story because of your train-wreck lifestyle, but I don't think you can ride the Parent Trap remake coattails at this point.
So your workout coach/life coach unpacks your boxes? Was that a full time position for her? Do you actually do anything yourself? I just have an absolute disconnect with your lifestyle. I don't get it. I could never live like that. I use self-check out at the grocery store because I don't even like someone else bagging up my items. I like to do it myself. If you can't even unpack your own boxes or hang up your own clothes, how in the world do you plan to function in life? Do you ever feel a sense of personal satisfaction after completing a task?
Wait...your mom drank at dinner in front of you? That's ridiculous. I'm really sorry about that. Truly. I don't think that everyone should be obligated to abstain in front of you, but your mother...when you are barely holding it together? Holy low!
So AJ the trainer/life coach/another personal assistant/box unpacker calls you on your shit in what can only be described as the most loving way possible. And you then blackball her? You were mad because she asked you on camera, you know because you are both on this thing called a reality show, about your drinking. Then you got mad again after you blew her off for a full week when she was expecting you as a house guest and blew off a meeting she went out on a limb to set up for you because it was at 12:30 and you didn't get up until noon and she called you on that too. But instead of having a grown-up conversation, you cut her out. Though you don't actually do that yourself either. You send Matt down to handle it.
The running theme again is that you are impossibly out of touch with reality. Even when you admitted that you relapsed, you just blew it off with "but it's totally fine" and never mentioned it again. You simultaneously bore me, fascinate me and depress me, Lindsay Lohan! You could have a charmed life but you thoughtlessly waste it as you constantly avoid things like maturity, sincerity, personal responsibility, independence and honesty.
Sweetheart, if you can't even be honest with yourself, you have a loooong way to go yet in this recovery process.
KK the Preppy Pink Crocodile