Monday, March 17, 2014

Dear Lindsay Lohan...Episode 2




Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Oh child!  This show is such a train wreck but I can't stop looking.  Not, I'm sorry to say, in a good way, though.

So Lindsay, here are this week's notes...

One... You wore a few bras this week!  Woot woot for keeping the girls locked and loaded!

Two... You took a shot {of what I assume was ginger and carrot juice} and ate vodka pizza.  I'm no expert on learning to be sober but I am an expert on actually being sober.  And I can tell you that it makes no sense to dabble in those old ways, even if seemingly harmless.  Don't you think it sends the wrong message {mostly to yourself} to take shots of anything or to order anything with alcohol in it?  I'm not suggesting that those two food items were in any way alcoholic.  But they are part of the behavior system that sent you to rehab six times.

Three... Explain the sober coach to me.  Because last week he laughed it off when you skipped your AA meeting and this week he didn't point out that taking shots of anything is dumb and next week it looks like he tries to get you out of filming the show...again.  Is this a paid position for him?  Is is a volunteer?  Is he your sponsor?  From what I've seen so far, he's kind of a combo of an enabler and a lingering puppy dog.  I've yet to understand his purpose or see him benefit you in any way.

Four... Lose the extensions.  I know it's a Hollywood thing, so I'm not just getting on you for this.  But let me share with you a little secret.  Ready?  Rapunzel long hair like that ages women who are over the age of 22.  That combined with the smoking is doing you no favors.

Five... Congrats on the new apartment.  Your face looked so genuinely happy and it was quite sweet to see.  It's also an ah-maz-ing new pad!!  Two stories, enormous windows, big kitchen, lots of light, and be still my heart it also had a huge balcony!  Drooling!!  Now I see why so many big checks were involved in this process.  I can't wait to see how you furnish it.

Six... Where did all of those people come from in the new apartment?  So Cash and Matt were there and then poof, you have a friend, your new "celebrity trainer/life coach" and your driver all walk in.  Was that planned?  Is the trainer now going to be with you day in and day out, too?  Do celebs really get that attached to drivers?  I just don't understand having people at the ready.  Three weeks ago I tried to spontaneously, on a Thursday, schedule a one hour coffee date with District and Super Nice for Sunday.  We went back and forth for days and eventually had to cancel because we couldn't get our schedules to sync up. I'm sure if I was in the hospital or in a major crisis I could get a few friends to come to me with little notice.  But to see my new, furniture-less home?  Puh-lease!

Seven... The scene where you are mad and stomping your feet like a toddler because the production company is concerned that if they give you this huge advance for the fancy apartment that you'll bail on them...just beyond ridiculous.  You were so far in the wrong on that one that I am nearly at a loss for words.  It was money you hadn't earned yet.  Further, you were backing out of things right and left, including filming.  They had every reason to be concerned that you would flake and leave them in the lurch for the money.

Eight... Not to be rude but...I thought you were gay.  No?  Didn't you date a woman for several years?  Not that you owe me or anyone a definition of your sexuality.  I was just surprised when you discussed your new boyfriend with your dad.

Nine... When you went on and on about how your dad shouldn't judge your friends just because they still party, etc, because they are good people and don't do it around you.  I don't know...it just seems so concerning.  I feel like you are so removed from reality.  Ah...this is all just so train wreck-y but I can't look away.  The sober coach and the life coach need to step up and impart some wisdom here.  You need friends who have fun without partying.  You need normal people in your life.  And yes, you absolutely should edit your life!  Edit out the parts that don't support the path you are on now.  That's how life works. We edit.  We grow and change and evolve and rearrange.  Edit your life, Lindsay!

Ten... Once again, your assistant Matt is a flippin' saint.  He's the real story of this show.  He needs his own show.  He's such a sharp dresser, too!  I hope he's well paid as he seems to be the only person on this show who has his shit together.

Next week it looks like Momma Oprah herself, along with my favorite, Sheri Salata, come to NYC to have a come to Jesus with you.  Smack down from Momma O...you know I will be watching!  Oprah does not mince words!

I do wish you the best.  But as I said last week, this show and move to NYC seem like they are only serving to decrease the time it takes you to check in to rehab for a seventh time.  For all the people you have following you around and wiping your nose, you seem very ill-equip to live in the real world, and especially the fast lane of New York City.

Until next week,
KK the Preppy Pink Crocodile


1 comment:

linda said...

This poor girl- she is a mess.
-Linda, ny

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